Her Eyes

The eyes tell a lot about a person. I notice people's eyes more these days. I think it is because I see my mom's changing. When you look into someone eyes, you can see who they are. The horrible thing about Dementia is it strips the person of their memories and those make up a person. When the memories start to go, the eyes change. Eyes that once had life and sparkle start to look dull and at you with a void. Eyes that once looked at your with recognition, now look at you with confusion. I am starting to see the life go out of her eyes and yet physically, she is still here.

I try to tell myself that the disease is changing her and that if she was in her right mind, she would know who I am. She would look at me with recognition. Her eyes would be full of life and sparkle. It just reminds me that this disease takes your loved one away little by little. It is a gradual and painful process for everyone. Especially for me, as I watch her slowly disappear and with each stage of the disease, I grieve. I cry for the person she was, I cry for who she is now and I cry for what will happen in the future. I ache for the mom she was. I ache for the talks we had. I ache for the things that we no longer are able to do. All I can do is love her and sometimes that has to be enough.

This Time of Year

Christmas is approaching again and I miss her. She always loved Christmas. She always made Christmas fun and special. I remember carrying her pink chair up the stairs in her town home, laughing all the way up the stairs to make room for the Christmas tree. Her tree was always mauve. It was her favorite color. It was a pretty tree. I also remember when I was growing up she stayed up late with me one night to watch and record Amy Grant's Christmas Special. We always liked to watch Little Women at Christmas. She also loved all the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. I love them too. Memories of certain things come back to me once in a while and I ache for those days. With Dementia/Alzheimer's it not only takes her memories away, but I find that mine are soon filled with how she is with this disease. I try to write down memories as they come up, so that I will remember and my memories won't just be of how she is now.

Slowly, I am watching her change, fade away and become less of the person I used to know. Her eyes have changed so much with this disease. Not the color, just the way she looks at me. Some days, she looks at me with recognition and others with confusion. I hold on to the good days because they are becoming fewer and fewer. The nursing home had a Christmas dinner for the families and I was able to go. It was the first time, in a long time, that I had to feed my mom. I have a new appreciation for those who feed my mom her meals. But I found myself thinking to take each moment in, because I do not know what this time next year will look like. When you have a loved one with dementia/Alzheimer's you live moment to moment, day by day, etc because things can change so quickly and you are usually not ready for it.

I find myself looking at her and praying selfishly that God would give me more time with her. I don't know what I will do when she is gone. I know she will be whole and her memory restored, but what will I do. Although, her memory of me is not always there, I know she is my mom. I can see her. I know who she is and sometimes I just need to see her.

This date last year....

A year sure has gone by fast. This date last year, we had just had our 2nd visit to the ER with my mom. It was clear that it was time to move her. I remember that day, the social worker at the hospital called all over looking for somewhere for my mom. I had been looking myself and I thought I had found the place. They did not want to take her from the ER. They wanted her meds to be stable. But the meds are what got us the 2 trips to the ER in a week. I remember that I thought, I would take her home before sending her back to the Assisted Living house. The last call the social worker made was to Jewell Care Center. They said they would take her....

I had been looking at nursing homes before all the trip to the ER happened. I spent my days off traveling around the city. It was a new process for me and I just prayed as I made this decision. It is horrible when you are looking for a nursing home for you then 61 year old mother. Everyone always says, "Oh she is so young." I thought that the next step was a locked Alzheimer's unit at a nursing home. See my mom was still walking a year ago. She wasn't walking well, mostly shuffling and not sure of her footing at all. When people heard she had a memory problem, it was just assumed the right place was a locked unit. I thought the morning of October 27, 2009, I had found the place for my mom. I was wrong.

I remember the social worker at the hospital saying to me that just because the facility is new and looks good doesn't mean the care is great and the same for an older facility, doesn't mean the care is bad. I never went to look at Jewell Care Center on my rounds. But I was taking my mom there the night of the 27th. The weather was horrible and I drove her myself. She was still very over stimulated from the meds. She was 102 lbs and probably scared. I had to leave her there that night and try to sleep. The next morning we woke up to a blizzard. I was not able to see her until Friday. I sure did a lot of praying and I called all the time to see how she was. It took her a little while to settle in, but she did.

It is funny how I thought I knew the place that God wanted her to be. I thought Manor Care was the place for my mom. But now that I look back, she is right where she is supposed to be and God knew that. His ways are always better. He still takes care of her. He still looks out for her. He still hears my prayers. When you are in the moment, you think why is this so hard? What is God doing? Doesn't he care about what I am dealing with? But I think He was preparing the right place for her. He was doing things His way. He was doing things in His time.

She is no longer walking. But she is now at 139 lbs a year later. Everyone loves her there. We have great insurance that covers what Medicare doesn't and Medicaid covers the rest. I would have never known if we didn't go to Jewell Care. Her doctor didn't change from the Assisted Living house. It is the same and he knows all her history. I have great relationships with the staff. I know they care for her and will until the day she moves into Heaven.

I am so grateful that God is with me through this journey. He knows better then I do. He sees the whole picture. He knows what is best for my mom. There are still time I don't understand this journey or why? But I always remind myself that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are not my thoughts. He is walking this journey with me. He is there with my mom.

God in the midst of a horrible disease...

Alzheimer's and dementia is a disease that slow take your loved one away from you, while leaving you with just the physical person. It takes her memories away of everything that happened to her throughout her life. It takes away her self sufficiency and she can no longer do anything for herself. It is not easy to know that she is being fed every meal. They try to keep her somewhat able to feed herself with at least one thing each meal, but the brain is just slowly forgetting. You find yourself wondering, "does she really know who I am?" She tells me she loves me and smiles when she sees me. I keep telling myself that she knows me. You grieve with each decline of her memory. You grieve for who she was, is now and what she will become down the road. At times, you find yourself praying God takes her before she can't swallow or talk at all. You find yourself wishing that you could go back to before she was sick. It is hard to believe that at one point she was normal. You were able to talk with her about life and spend time together. Sure, I still go to see her and spend time with her, but now the conversations are limited. You listen as she repeats the same phrases over and over again. You think to yourself, how can this be the same person?

Somewhere in the middle of this dark journey, a light shines through. A light that reminds me that God is still here. He is in the midst of this horrible disease and this horrible journey I am on with my mom. God is where her memories are not anymore. He is holding them securely in His hand ready to release them when she meets Him in Heaven. I see Him all through this journey as we went from living on her own, to living with us, to living in the Assisted Living house, and now at the Nursing home. He has directed every path we take and decision I make for her. He is holding every tear I have shed and I think He might cry too.

I see God in her smile when she looks at me and I think, " she knows me." There is a hint of recognition in her eyes. I see Him when we are sitting at church Sunday morning and she is humming along to hymns she learned a long time ago. I see Him when I hear her laugh and it sounds just like my mom. I see Him care for her and send the right people into our lives at different point in this journey. And all though at first, I was angry with Him and asked Why He would do this to us, I now see Him. I think if I love my mom this much, how much more He loves her. I treasure the precious moments I have with her. This horrible disease is taking her away from me and I don't want to take for granted anytime I have with her, because at any moment that little bit of recognition in her eyes could be gone.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death, nor life, neither angels not demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever ben able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Today is my mom 62nd birthday. It is hard to believe how fast time goes. It is hard to believe we have been dealing with the dementia for 7 years. This time last year, we were celebrating at the assistant living house and she was walking. Now, we are celebrating in a nursing home and she is not walking.

My mom always liked to go for Chinese food on her birthday. We had a specific restaurant that we always went to. I would usually get her some artwork from Thomas Kinkade. Today, all I got her was a cake. But she enjoyed it. She doesn't really understand or remembers gifts. It is very hard and sad at times.

Today reminds me of Psalm 139...

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my mom's body

and knit her together in her mother's womb.

Thank you for making her so wonderfully complex.

Your workmanship is marvelous-How well you know it.

You watched her as she was being formed in utter seclusion,

as she was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw her even before she was born.

Every day of her life was recorded in Your book.

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

I also remind myself that God holds her lost memories in His hand and they will be restored one day.

Happy Birthday, Sweet mom. Oh, how I miss you. Oh, how I wish we could go enjoy some chinese food and talk about life.

Time...

I walked into our guest room last night and stop for a moment. I thought to myself this is where my mom used to sleep. This was her room. It seems so long ago. I have times like this often. Times when I remember so clearly things we did together. Times when I can see so clearly when she was healthy. But it seems like a different lifetime. There are also a lot of times when I ache inside for the way she used to be, that never goes away.

If I could go back, I would spend more time listening to what she had to say. I would enjoy our moments together and take more pictures. If I could go back, I would sit and enjoy her company more. Each year the goes by, takes me further away from those healthy days and takes more of my memory of those days. Each year that goes by, takes her further away from me.

With dementia, you never know how much time you have with your loved one. So, you learn to cherish each moment you have with them. I cherish the few words that are exchanged between us. I cherish the times I see her smile and I hear her laugh. I cherish the times she looks at me and say "I love you." There are times I pray please give me a glimpse of the way she was. There are times I pray please give me some more time with her.

There are times that no matter what, I cry when I leave the nursing home because this is not how things were supposed to be.

Care Meeting...

Yesterday was my mom's care meeting at the Nursing home. As I was getting ready to head there, I was thinking...Most people my age go to Parent/Teacher conferences, not care meetings for their mom's at a nursing home. But this is the journey God is taking us on. I knew it was going to be a pretty good meeting and not much to talk about. I was right. But it was nice to hear from the staff about my mom. The activities lady told me that they do one on one activities with her. Although, she doesn't really do much because of how the dementia has affected her brain, they still meet with her. Christina says she likes to sit with my mom and just hold her hand. I know my mom likes that because I do that with her too. They always take her when there is an activity with music. She still loves her music. I guess there is also a lady that comes in once a month that does aroma therapy with soothing music. Yup, they know my mom!

The nursing manager told me my mom is one of their favorites. I was proud. It is good to hear that from people who take care of my mom every day. Sarah said they still are helping her walk if she wants too, but it is getting harder and harder. They give her one finger food with each meal to keep her using her hands, well, her right hand. My mom is stable, no major changes or behavior issues. I am grateful for these stable days.

"Thy Will be Done"
Helen Steiner Rice

God did not promise sun without rain,
Light without darkness or joy without pain.
He only promised strength for the day, when darkness comes and we lose our way....
For only through sorrow do we grow more aware
That God is our refuge in times of despair,
For when we are happy and life's bright and fair,
We often forget to kneel down in prayer...
But God seems much closer and needed much more
When trouble and sorrow stand outside our door,
For then we seek shelter in His wondrous love,
And we ask Him to send us help from above...
And that is the reason we know it is true
That bright, shinning hours and dark, sad ones, too,
Are part of the plan God made for each one,
And all we can pray is "Thy will be done."
And know that you are never alone,
For God is your Father and you're one of His own.

Going home...

My mom's roommate is so cute sometimes. She is always telling me "how good my mom is doing and she is talking real well". She tells me how she is getting around and she can find her way to her room. Mary thinks my mom is there for rehab and will be going home. She asked me today "if my mom is going to go home when she gets better?" I just answered yes. There are some things you don't get into with some of the residents. I am not entirely sure what Mary's health status is. Plus, it is one of those times that I have learned through this process that a white lie is okay. There are just some things that the truth is not the right answer.

In my heart, it is the other way around. My mom will be better when she goes home. Oh, my heart wishes she would get better and be able to return to her old life, but I know that is probably not what God wants for us. I never thought I would ever feel that my mom is better off in Heaven. I would never go there because I didn't want to think about being here without her. But what the dementia has done to my mom.....I know this...

2 Corinthians 5:6-8
We are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things had passed away.

So, yes Mary, one day my mom will be going home.

Emotions...

We drove by my mom's nursing home last night after the Rockies game. I usually don't drive by it at time of night. I was overtaken by an aching heart as I thought of my mom asleep in her bed. Actually, I was hoping she was asleep in her bed. I was praying that she was dreaming of angels dancing over her and God singing over her. But I sometimes worry she is scared or lonely and that breaks my heart. I cry.

Once the ache slowly goes away it sometimes is replaced by guilt. The feeling of not doing enough. The guilt of putting her in a nursing because I can't take care of her like she needs. The guilt of sometimes going through a day of not thinking about her or worrying about her. The guilt of feeling crabby because I am tired of making the journey to the nursing home.

Sometimes, I feel loneliness as I make the journey to the nursing home all by myself. Loneliness as I make all the decision by myself. Loneliness as everyone else around me seems to be going on about life and I am stuck. Loneliness for the relationship I once had with my mom and I no longer have. Loneliness as I sit there with her and watch her slowly fade away.

Wonder will fill me sometimes as I wonder what she thinks about when she drifts away. I wonder what she sees as she looks around her surroundings. I wonder does she have moments when she remembers things and then they quickly leave. I wonder how much longer until she forgets me.

Love is always there. As I look at my sweet mom sitting in her wheelchair and I think I love her so much. I love that she wrote me cards and letters that I have saved, so I can read them now. I love when she looks at me with a big smile and say "I love you." Love will always be there.

3 times a week....

Three times a week, my life stops. I know it sounds weird, but I feel it is true. I go a long with the things of life and some days my life feels normal. Then I make the journey to the nursing home where I am reminded that my mom is sick. That is when my life stops. That is when I am reminded that my mom is slowly fading away. It is part of my life and sometimes I have days that I am so busy, I forget that part. But I go to see her and I am reminded. I sit with her and have simple conversations. I leave and slowly go back to my life, until the next time I visit.

I sometimes wonder what my life is going to be like when she passes on. I don't think about it often because even though she will be healed, I will miss seeing her. I will miss the 3 times a week trips and simple conversations. So, even though I feel like my life stops every time I visit, I cherish the visits. I make my journey to the nursing home 3 times a week, while I have the chance.

Seems like a lifetime ago...

I came across old papers of my mom's. We have been cleaning and trying to organize our house. I acquired all her paperwork and have been going through it all. Some of the paperwork was from her old townhome that we moved into in 1990. I can still see the place so clearly. We used to walk a certain path when the weather started to get nice. She was healthy and able to do everything on her own. It seems like a lifetime ago.

When she moved into Heather Gardens, we used to walk together. She used to walk around the whole property which I think was 2.5 miles, if I remember correctly. She loved to look at the flowers. We always liked to take walks together. That was one of the things we would do after I had to move her to Assisted Living. We would walk around the neighborhood and look at the flowers. That was just 3 years ago and yet, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Now, she doesn't walk anymore, but she still like flowers. We talk about them a lot especially since I work for a florist. I miss those old walks. I miss those times we shared together. Now, I walk and push her in her wheelchair.

A Reminder...

I never know when her dementia is going to take another turn. I start enjoying all the good days and then a bad one comes along. Yesterday, she was tired and really out of it. Her eyes were distant, but she still responded to my voice. If she wouldn't have done that, I would have been really worried. It just reminds me that with dementia, she won't get better and those moments make me cry. They make me miss her so much. Moments like yesterday make me dread the ones that will come up in the future as this disease continues to take my mom. I try to stay focused on the good ones and I try to keep positive, but sometimes...I can't. Sometimes, I want to scream at how unfair this is for both of us. Sometimes, I would just like to run away, but I can't. I just pray for God to give me more strength for this journey.

I like to think that those moments when her eyes are so distant that maybe she sees angels dancing over flowers, because she loves flowers. I do wonder where she goes when she seems so distant. I hope it is a happy place.

Days like yesterday remind me of a favorite poem from Helen Steiner Rice....

If I never grew weary with the weight of my load
Would I search for God's peace at the end of the road;
If I never knew sickness or never felt pain
Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain;
If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss
Would my soul seek sweet solace and the foot of the cross?
I ask myself this and the answer is plain-
If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain
I'd seek God less often and need Him much less,
For God's sought more often in time of distress.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:19

Sometimes....

Sometimes, a memory of her will just hit me and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time.

Sometimes, I worry she is scared at night and feels alone.

Sometimes, I picture angels dancing over her while she sleeps and God singing over her while she dreams.

Sometimes, I wonder what she thinks about when she seems to drift away.

Sometimes, I feel alone in all of this as I make all the decisions, take care of all the issues and make all the visits.

Sometimes, I think I am going to miss our visits when she passes away.

And Sometimes, I cry because I miss her so.

Mother's Day

Before my mom became sick with dementia, I would have been looking for something Thomas Kinkade to get her or a special artwork about being a mom. I don't remember what was the last gift I gave her before she got sick. Now, that she is sick, the gifts are more simple. She no longer can read or see pictures very well. The dementia is affecting her vision. So, this year I made her a corsage with her favorite colors, pink and purple. I will take her to church and spend time with her. She won't really know the significance of the day, but just like with my birthday...I just want to see her. So, here are some pictures of my mom earlier in her life.

Things about my mom I like to remember. She had an unwavering faith. She prayed and read her bible every morning for an hour. Her and I have the same sense of humor, If you fall in front of us, we laugh. WE would always laugh if we were moving furniture. She loved to go to the mountains for vacation, but condo vacations, not camping. She used to make clothes for my sister and I when we were young. We would always go to craft shows after Thanksgiving. She was the best at writing cards and letters. I am so glad I kept them all.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you!

Birthday visit....

I am not sure that my mom makes the connection that I am her daughter. But I still wanted to spend time with her today. I needed to spend time with her today. I just wanted to sit with her.

I arrived to find a small birthday bag in her lap. I opened it to find a card and a gift. I immediately started to cry. I thought the staff had done that. The nurses knew my birthday was coming up. I read the card and it was exactly the type of card that she would have picked out. I opened the same gift to find a necklace with a mother and daughter in a heart. The tears would not stop. She would have picked that out. The staff informed me that it was my friends that had stopped in and set it up. They drove there this morning and dropped it off. They asked the nurse to give it to my mom before I arrived. I have never been so grateful for something. It was like they knew her when she was healthy and picked out exactly what she would have. I will cherish it forever. For my friends who did this: I love you so much and thank you just doesn't seem enough.

Soon after I stopped crying the tornado sirens went off. So, we moved all the residents at my mom's nursing home into the hall. Talk about hot and smelly. Wow! But my mom just sat there happy as can be. After all that was over, we went out into the common area and just sat together. She says to me " I love you. You are so sweet. You are the best." The whole time smiling. Even if she doesn't realize that I am her daughter, I know she is my mom and I just wanted to be there. I wanted to hear those few words she says to me. I think this birthday has been so hard because she doesn't really know the relationship between us, but she says I am her best friend. This year, she is in a nursing home. When you have dementia, a nursing home is usually the last step. You don't leave a nursing home when you have dementia except one way. I don't think about that. For now, I just sit with her...I listen and cherish those few words that she repeats over and over again...to me they are so sweet.

35

I am turning 35 this month and this birthday is harder for me. I think with everything that has gone on with my mom, I haven't had time to grieve for the dreams that I once had and now are not going to come true. At one point, I did want a family. Blake and I thought we were going to have kids. I was going to be a stay at home mom just like my mom was. If we had a little girl, her name was going to be Hannah Kathleen because both of our mom's have Kathleen for a name. People who knew me before my mom got sick knew I wanted kids. But something happened when my mom got sick. Roles were reversed. No longer was I just the daughter, I was now the caregiver too. I was having to make medical decision, write checks,keep up her bills, etc. As the disease because worse and took me of her abilities away, I was doing more and more for her. I became exhausted.

I always thought I would have more time with her. I thought she would be around to enjoy grandkids. I thought we would do stuff together. I wish I a could go back for certain moments and cherish them a little longer. The memories of the way she was start to be taken over by the memories of how she is now. Thank goodness for pictures.

People my age usually have kids by now. I think that is why this birthday is so hard for me. I always thought I would be one of those people. But instead I have a mom who is slowly disappearing because of dementia. Instead of going to parks, play dates, etc...I go to the nursing home. The funny thing is that there are time that I could have just seen her and I miss her. People probably wonder why I don't have kids now since my mom is in the nursing home. The truth is I don't have the energy and someone would suffer. As hard as it is...I don't want to stop going to the nursing home and seeing my mom. Even if she doesn't always know who I am. I know who she is.

Just some of my thoughts.....

My mom was having a good day today. She was at exercise class when I got there and she gets so excited to play with the big yellow exercise ball. It is getting harder for her to pick it up as she is losing the use of her left hand. The only way to fix it is through surgery. You really don't want to put someone with the severe dementia that my mom has through surgery. Luckily it isn't her eating hand. It is just another reminder that you don't get better when you have dementia. But she still has a sweet spirit and I love that.

God continues to take care of her. I switched her over to a new insurance plan that will give her better coverage. There will be a NP that comes to visit once a week and will contact me with any changes. But the nice thing is that he calls once a month for a chat to make sure we are all on the same page. It is a total God thing and I don't know that I would have known about this health plan had she gone to a different place. She has a great roommate and I have learned some of the other residents names. I always make sure to say hi to them because I don't know if they have family that comes to visit them.

As Easter approaches, I am reminded of when my mom would hide Easter baskets for us. We would have to find them. But that never over shadowed the real reason for Easter. I wish I could tell her..."mom, I get it. I get why you prayed and read your Bible for an hour each morning I get why you worried about us in this world. I get why you hung on to Jesus with all your heart. I get it." Oh, how I wish I could see her healed on this side of Heaven. But I know He holds her now more then ever. I do wonder if He cries over her? Does He cry over his children that are sick because we live in a fallen world? Does he cry when I cry because I miss her so? But I thank Him that I was given a faithful follower of Christ for a mother.

Her words....

"I love you" and she usually repeats it many times.
"I love you, more." We say that back and forth

"You're the best"

"You're my best friend"

Today, she said "you are beautiful." I tell the staff she can really make you feel good about yourself if you are having a bad day. They all smile as we talk with eachother.

But as I was driving to work after our visit, I thought God says the same things about her. He says, I love you...I love you more. He says you are the best and I am your best friend. Even if I don't always understand why we are going through this...I know that He loves her so much more than I do. He is in control and His ways are not our ways.

joyful laughter

This morning I went with my mom to her exercise class at the nursing home. I was curious to see what it was like. She enjoys music and so they take her to class. She doesn't do most of the exercises, but today she was kicking her feet. Then they get out the big, bright, yellow exercise ball. They toss is back and forth. I watched my mom catch and throw the ball around 5 times. Each time, she had a great big smile on her face and said, "I did it." Everyone claps when she catches the ball. It was so awesome to see. I felt like a parent who had just seen their kid take their first steps. I am going back on Friday and will go again. This time I am taking my camera to take pictures. Her facial expressions are priceless and pictures will help me remember these good times.

Thank you, God for today. You are so good.

Little Glimpses

Today was a good day for my mom. She was in great spirits. When I got to the nursing home, she was resting in her wheelchair. I don't ever wake her up. I just wait. She opened her eyes and I said "Hi, Mom." She said, "I love you." Most of the time she says that after I have said it, but today she said it first. Then she said it many times. I also get "you are so sweet." I think God gives me these days to hold on to when the bad ones come and to show me that she isn't completely gone because of the dementia. It also helps on those days when all of a sudden it hits me that my mom is slowly fading away. But I truly believe that God holds in His big hands all the lost thoughts and memories. She will one day be fully restored. But until that day, I will enjoy and cherish the little glimpses He gives me.

Guilt and tired

Why do I still feel guilty when I don't go see my mom? It was snowing this morning and it would have been 3 weeks in a row I drove in the snow. I just saw her on Friday and yet, I feel guilty that I didn't go this morning. I know she is well taken care of and time is not a concept for her. She doesn't know whether I was there yesterday or 2 days ago. So, why can't I give myself a break?

It is very tiring for me to always be dealing with this. It is always on my mind. There are some days when I don't always think about it and I feel for alittle while that life is normal. But then, reality comes back into play.

Love

Mom seems to be better. I think she was reacting to the decrease in medicine. Now, she is more alert and back to herself. One of the nurses from floor 2 was on her floor this weekend. Amelia said that mom recognized her voice right away. I took her to church as usual. She was so cute. She hummed right along to all the songs. She still knows them. She might not be able to remember the words, but she can still enjoy the music. I am grateful for that. I want her to always remember God. It makes her happy to hear the music. She had the biggest smile on her face.

Growing up I always felt loved by my mom. Sometimes I felt she loved me too much and because of that was to protective. But I am glad that she was, now that I am older. I am glad that she always told me and showed me her love because that I can hold onto. But I stop to think what it must be like for God to see her. I think His heart breaks. I wonder if He cries when I cry for her. But I remember these verses and I know that He loves her so much!

Psalm 139:1-2
Oh Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

Psalm 139:16
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

John 10:27-28
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch the away from me.

Romans 9:38-39
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above nor in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God.

These verses are a reminder that no matter how bad her memory gets, God knows.

The good days....

With dementia you never take for granted the good days. Things can change so quickly. I thought last week that I was going to have to find a new place for my mom and that is never fun. But after the care meeting at the nursing home, my mom should be able to stay there for a long time. It is nice to hear that the staff wishes they had a whole floor of Kathy's. They are actually taking her off some medicine and that is a change from the Assisted Living place, where they were using meds to manage behaviors that come along with Dementia. She now takes naps in the afternoon. I think she is making up for the past year or more. I do miss talking to her. I am grateful that she was a letter writer before the dementia and I hung on to all the ones she wrote me. But I miss our talks. If I had known this was going to happen, then I might have listened more and paid attention when she was giving me advice. The memories of how she was healthy are slowing being taken over by how she is now. So, here are some memories I have:

She loved to play pranks on people (water on top of the door, short sheeting the bed, shaving cream in shoes....)
She had an amazing faith.
She prayed and read the bible for at least an hour every day.
She loved Mauve and baby blue. She still loves pink.

I will keep adding more. I can see her when she was healthy. I pray that memory doesn't go away.

She is slowing fading away

I saw my mom today. I went after lunch and she was laying in her bed. Normally, she is up in her wheelchair. She looked so old in her bed. She didn't look comfortable at all. She did tell me she loves me and I told her to rest. She said, "ok." I try not to think anything of it. But with dementia, things can change so fast. I am hoping this is just a funk and she will be better on Thursday. I have a care mtg with the staff at the nursing home. At almost 35, these are things I never thought I would be dealing with and yet here I am. I am grateful that God is walking with me through this and many times, carrying me. I pray He is holding all the lost memories and thoughts in His hands until Heaven. I just wish I could see the healing on this side of Heaven. I miss her.