What a week this has been. Wow. It seems that when I get a little too comfortable with how my mom is doing, something comes up. It should not surprise me since this disease is always taking more of my mom away. But there is no way to prepare for what might come next.
I have been doing a Bible Study in 1 Peter. In the first chapter of Peter, he talks about us being distressed by various trials and that it is to strengthen our faith. There are a number of bible verses that talk about trials and suffering. I have to admit, when I am in the middle of a trial and even this week with my mom, I don't think of these in a joyful manner and it is really hard to have peace. I do still question God's purpose in this. I am not super Christian in these moments. I am super human. I do remember that this is not the end of the story. I do remember that one day, Christ is coming back. I do remember that one day, my sweet mom will be healed and made whole again. But in the middle of suffering and trails, I have a hard time with the joy. I do wish I could just say I trust God and mean it with my whole heart. That is so very hard in the middle of trials. I keep trying. I know He won't give up on me.
It is hard to see my sweet mom changing so much. She was so scared and confused. She didn't know people are trying to help her. I felt so helpless as I watched her with her jaw locked open, trying to talk and looking scared. I was trusting the doctors at the ER to take care of her and at the same time, I am trying to make decisions that are best for her. I shed many, many tears this week. It is the only way to express what I was feeling as I watched Monday and Tuesday unfold.
I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to be scared. I want the very best for her. But I know there will come a time for hard decisions. This life is full of hard decisions. I pray with all my heart that God gives me wisdom as I make decisions on her behalf. But this life is not easy. There is no where in the Bible that says it will be a peace of cake. I try to remind myself that God loves her so much more than I do. He has faithfully put the right people in our path on this journey. I have great support from the staff at the nursing home.
Music is always so comforting for me. I got that from my mom. I listened to songs like Great is Thy Faithfulness, I Look to You, Be Thou My Vision, and many others that bring me so much comfort.
One thing that never goes away is I do ache so much for my mom. I ache for what she has lost and what I have lost. I ache for who she is now and who she was. I do pray she doesn't remember any of this past week. She was pretty cute through it all. She would smile and try to talk, even with her jaw locked open. I am grateful that through all of this, she is so sweet. I pray all the time that she see angels at night when she sleeps. I pray they dance and sing over her. I pray that maybe I bring her a little comfort when I am there and she does not feel alone.
