Little Glimpses

Today was a good day for my mom. She was in great spirits. When I got to the nursing home, she was resting in her wheelchair. I don't ever wake her up. I just wait. She opened her eyes and I said "Hi, Mom." She said, "I love you." Most of the time she says that after I have said it, but today she said it first. Then she said it many times. I also get "you are so sweet." I think God gives me these days to hold on to when the bad ones come and to show me that she isn't completely gone because of the dementia. It also helps on those days when all of a sudden it hits me that my mom is slowly fading away. But I truly believe that God holds in His big hands all the lost thoughts and memories. She will one day be fully restored. But until that day, I will enjoy and cherish the little glimpses He gives me.

Guilt and tired

Why do I still feel guilty when I don't go see my mom? It was snowing this morning and it would have been 3 weeks in a row I drove in the snow. I just saw her on Friday and yet, I feel guilty that I didn't go this morning. I know she is well taken care of and time is not a concept for her. She doesn't know whether I was there yesterday or 2 days ago. So, why can't I give myself a break?

It is very tiring for me to always be dealing with this. It is always on my mind. There are some days when I don't always think about it and I feel for alittle while that life is normal. But then, reality comes back into play.

Love

Mom seems to be better. I think she was reacting to the decrease in medicine. Now, she is more alert and back to herself. One of the nurses from floor 2 was on her floor this weekend. Amelia said that mom recognized her voice right away. I took her to church as usual. She was so cute. She hummed right along to all the songs. She still knows them. She might not be able to remember the words, but she can still enjoy the music. I am grateful for that. I want her to always remember God. It makes her happy to hear the music. She had the biggest smile on her face.

Growing up I always felt loved by my mom. Sometimes I felt she loved me too much and because of that was to protective. But I am glad that she was, now that I am older. I am glad that she always told me and showed me her love because that I can hold onto. But I stop to think what it must be like for God to see her. I think His heart breaks. I wonder if He cries when I cry for her. But I remember these verses and I know that He loves her so much!

Psalm 139:1-2
Oh Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.

Psalm 139:16
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

John 10:27-28
My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch the away from me.

Romans 9:38-39
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above nor in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God.

These verses are a reminder that no matter how bad her memory gets, God knows.

The good days....

With dementia you never take for granted the good days. Things can change so quickly. I thought last week that I was going to have to find a new place for my mom and that is never fun. But after the care meeting at the nursing home, my mom should be able to stay there for a long time. It is nice to hear that the staff wishes they had a whole floor of Kathy's. They are actually taking her off some medicine and that is a change from the Assisted Living place, where they were using meds to manage behaviors that come along with Dementia. She now takes naps in the afternoon. I think she is making up for the past year or more. I do miss talking to her. I am grateful that she was a letter writer before the dementia and I hung on to all the ones she wrote me. But I miss our talks. If I had known this was going to happen, then I might have listened more and paid attention when she was giving me advice. The memories of how she was healthy are slowing being taken over by how she is now. So, here are some memories I have:

She loved to play pranks on people (water on top of the door, short sheeting the bed, shaving cream in shoes....)
She had an amazing faith.
She prayed and read the bible for at least an hour every day.
She loved Mauve and baby blue. She still loves pink.

I will keep adding more. I can see her when she was healthy. I pray that memory doesn't go away.

She is slowing fading away

I saw my mom today. I went after lunch and she was laying in her bed. Normally, she is up in her wheelchair. She looked so old in her bed. She didn't look comfortable at all. She did tell me she loves me and I told her to rest. She said, "ok." I try not to think anything of it. But with dementia, things can change so fast. I am hoping this is just a funk and she will be better on Thursday. I have a care mtg with the staff at the nursing home. At almost 35, these are things I never thought I would be dealing with and yet here I am. I am grateful that God is walking with me through this and many times, carrying me. I pray He is holding all the lost memories and thoughts in His hands until Heaven. I just wish I could see the healing on this side of Heaven. I miss her.