I never know when her dementia is going to take another turn. I start enjoying all the good days and then a bad one comes along. Yesterday, she was tired and really out of it. Her eyes were distant, but she still responded to my voice. If she wouldn't have done that, I would have been really worried. It just reminds me that with dementia, she won't get better and those moments make me cry. They make me miss her so much. Moments like yesterday make me dread the ones that will come up in the future as this disease continues to take my mom. I try to stay focused on the good ones and I try to keep positive, but sometimes...I can't. Sometimes, I want to scream at how unfair this is for both of us. Sometimes, I would just like to run away, but I can't. I just pray for God to give me more strength for this journey.
I like to think that those moments when her eyes are so distant that maybe she sees angels dancing over flowers, because she loves flowers. I do wonder where she goes when she seems so distant. I hope it is a happy place.
Days like yesterday remind me of a favorite poem from Helen Steiner Rice....
If I never grew weary with the weight of my load
Would I search for God's peace at the end of the road;
If I never knew sickness or never felt pain
Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain;
If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss
Would my soul seek sweet solace and the foot of the cross?
I ask myself this and the answer is plain-
If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain
I'd seek God less often and need Him much less,
For God's sought more often in time of distress.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:19
No comments:
Post a Comment