Her Eyes

The eyes tell a lot about a person. I notice people's eyes more these days. I think it is because I see my mom's changing. When you look into someone eyes, you can see who they are. The horrible thing about Dementia is it strips the person of their memories and those make up a person. When the memories start to go, the eyes change. Eyes that once had life and sparkle start to look dull and at you with a void. Eyes that once looked at your with recognition, now look at you with confusion. I am starting to see the life go out of her eyes and yet physically, she is still here.

I try to tell myself that the disease is changing her and that if she was in her right mind, she would know who I am. She would look at me with recognition. Her eyes would be full of life and sparkle. It just reminds me that this disease takes your loved one away little by little. It is a gradual and painful process for everyone. Especially for me, as I watch her slowly disappear and with each stage of the disease, I grieve. I cry for the person she was, I cry for who she is now and I cry for what will happen in the future. I ache for the mom she was. I ache for the talks we had. I ache for the things that we no longer are able to do. All I can do is love her and sometimes that has to be enough.

This Time of Year

Christmas is approaching again and I miss her. She always loved Christmas. She always made Christmas fun and special. I remember carrying her pink chair up the stairs in her town home, laughing all the way up the stairs to make room for the Christmas tree. Her tree was always mauve. It was her favorite color. It was a pretty tree. I also remember when I was growing up she stayed up late with me one night to watch and record Amy Grant's Christmas Special. We always liked to watch Little Women at Christmas. She also loved all the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. I love them too. Memories of certain things come back to me once in a while and I ache for those days. With Dementia/Alzheimer's it not only takes her memories away, but I find that mine are soon filled with how she is with this disease. I try to write down memories as they come up, so that I will remember and my memories won't just be of how she is now.

Slowly, I am watching her change, fade away and become less of the person I used to know. Her eyes have changed so much with this disease. Not the color, just the way she looks at me. Some days, she looks at me with recognition and others with confusion. I hold on to the good days because they are becoming fewer and fewer. The nursing home had a Christmas dinner for the families and I was able to go. It was the first time, in a long time, that I had to feed my mom. I have a new appreciation for those who feed my mom her meals. But I found myself thinking to take each moment in, because I do not know what this time next year will look like. When you have a loved one with dementia/Alzheimer's you live moment to moment, day by day, etc because things can change so quickly and you are usually not ready for it.

I find myself looking at her and praying selfishly that God would give me more time with her. I don't know what I will do when she is gone. I know she will be whole and her memory restored, but what will I do. Although, her memory of me is not always there, I know she is my mom. I can see her. I know who she is and sometimes I just need to see her.