Seems like a lifetime ago...

I came across old papers of my mom's. We have been cleaning and trying to organize our house. I acquired all her paperwork and have been going through it all. Some of the paperwork was from her old townhome that we moved into in 1990. I can still see the place so clearly. We used to walk a certain path when the weather started to get nice. She was healthy and able to do everything on her own. It seems like a lifetime ago.

When she moved into Heather Gardens, we used to walk together. She used to walk around the whole property which I think was 2.5 miles, if I remember correctly. She loved to look at the flowers. We always liked to take walks together. That was one of the things we would do after I had to move her to Assisted Living. We would walk around the neighborhood and look at the flowers. That was just 3 years ago and yet, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Now, she doesn't walk anymore, but she still like flowers. We talk about them a lot especially since I work for a florist. I miss those old walks. I miss those times we shared together. Now, I walk and push her in her wheelchair.

A Reminder...

I never know when her dementia is going to take another turn. I start enjoying all the good days and then a bad one comes along. Yesterday, she was tired and really out of it. Her eyes were distant, but she still responded to my voice. If she wouldn't have done that, I would have been really worried. It just reminds me that with dementia, she won't get better and those moments make me cry. They make me miss her so much. Moments like yesterday make me dread the ones that will come up in the future as this disease continues to take my mom. I try to stay focused on the good ones and I try to keep positive, but sometimes...I can't. Sometimes, I want to scream at how unfair this is for both of us. Sometimes, I would just like to run away, but I can't. I just pray for God to give me more strength for this journey.

I like to think that those moments when her eyes are so distant that maybe she sees angels dancing over flowers, because she loves flowers. I do wonder where she goes when she seems so distant. I hope it is a happy place.

Days like yesterday remind me of a favorite poem from Helen Steiner Rice....

If I never grew weary with the weight of my load
Would I search for God's peace at the end of the road;
If I never knew sickness or never felt pain
Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain;
If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss
Would my soul seek sweet solace and the foot of the cross?
I ask myself this and the answer is plain-
If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain
I'd seek God less often and need Him much less,
For God's sought more often in time of distress.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:19

Sometimes....

Sometimes, a memory of her will just hit me and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time.

Sometimes, I worry she is scared at night and feels alone.

Sometimes, I picture angels dancing over her while she sleeps and God singing over her while she dreams.

Sometimes, I wonder what she thinks about when she seems to drift away.

Sometimes, I feel alone in all of this as I make all the decisions, take care of all the issues and make all the visits.

Sometimes, I think I am going to miss our visits when she passes away.

And Sometimes, I cry because I miss her so.

Mother's Day

Before my mom became sick with dementia, I would have been looking for something Thomas Kinkade to get her or a special artwork about being a mom. I don't remember what was the last gift I gave her before she got sick. Now, that she is sick, the gifts are more simple. She no longer can read or see pictures very well. The dementia is affecting her vision. So, this year I made her a corsage with her favorite colors, pink and purple. I will take her to church and spend time with her. She won't really know the significance of the day, but just like with my birthday...I just want to see her. So, here are some pictures of my mom earlier in her life.

Things about my mom I like to remember. She had an unwavering faith. She prayed and read her bible every morning for an hour. Her and I have the same sense of humor, If you fall in front of us, we laugh. WE would always laugh if we were moving furniture. She loved to go to the mountains for vacation, but condo vacations, not camping. She used to make clothes for my sister and I when we were young. We would always go to craft shows after Thanksgiving. She was the best at writing cards and letters. I am so glad I kept them all.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you!