The second thing I hate about grief is how unpreditable it is. I can be having a good day and things are going well, only to be sucker punch by grief and fall asleep crying. Maybe a dream I have wakes me up in the morning and my day starts off with grief. I still have dreams about the ER and her jaw. I have dreams of the nursing home. I have dreams of people who were apart of our lives the past 4 years. I guess that is a way I am trying to deal with grief. I am a person who likes to have a little control and I have no control over grief. There is no recipe for how to go through it. There are no "symptoms" or steps. You just have to deal with what comes your way.
The third thing I hate about grief is the heartache I feel with it. Mother's day this year was my first year without her. My heart physically hurt that day. You think you know what heartache is as you grow up and experience break ups or friends move away. But it was nothing compared to the physical heart ache I felt on Mother's day. To know that each Mother's day, birthday, etc...I can't see her, makes my heart hurt.
The only way to even deal with grief is to cry and pray for comfort that only God can bring. But even that is hard at times because you can't feel Him and you can't see Him. What I wouldn't give for some days to physically climb up on His lap. I spend time in the Psalms and listening to music, I let the tears fall because I know He is keeping track of them as it says:
You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 NLT
There are still days that I can't believe she is gone. I was there when she took her last breath. I saw her body go through the stages before death. It still at times seems so unreal. At times, I can't believe it has only been 8 months and I think how much longer it is going to be before I see her again. At times, it feels like it has been longer then 8 months because the disease took her long before her body gave up. There are days I see her when I look at me in the mirror. There are days I hear her words coming out of my mouth. I can't believe she is gone. Now, I am left to grieve and go on without her. She took a piece of me when she died. I am a different person since she passed away. I can't go back. I can only go forward step by step and day by day.
