I walked into our guest room last night and stop for a moment. I thought to myself this is where my mom used to sleep. This was her room. It seems so long ago. I have times like this often. Times when I remember so clearly things we did together. Times when I can see so clearly when she was healthy. But it seems like a different lifetime. There are also a lot of times when I ache inside for the way she used to be, that never goes away.
If I could go back, I would spend more time listening to what she had to say. I would enjoy our moments together and take more pictures. If I could go back, I would sit and enjoy her company more. Each year the goes by, takes me further away from those healthy days and takes more of my memory of those days. Each year that goes by, takes her further away from me.
With dementia, you never know how much time you have with your loved one. So, you learn to cherish each moment you have with them. I cherish the few words that are exchanged between us. I cherish the times I see her smile and I hear her laugh. I cherish the times she looks at me and say "I love you." There are times I pray please give me a glimpse of the way she was. There are times I pray please give me some more time with her.
There are times that no matter what, I cry when I leave the nursing home because this is not how things were supposed to be.
