Grief

I hate grief. There are so many reasons why. First, it means that my mom is gone. I can't see her when I want to. I can't hear her laugh anymore. Yes, I am so glad she is healed and whole again. But I miss her every day. Grief is the price we pay for loving people.

The second thing I hate about grief is how unpreditable it is. I can be having a good day and things are going well, only to be sucker punch by grief and fall asleep crying. Maybe a dream I have wakes me up in the morning and my day starts off with grief. I still have dreams about the ER and her jaw. I have dreams of the nursing home. I have dreams of people who were apart of our lives the past 4 years. I guess that is a way I am trying to deal with grief.  I am a person who likes to have a little control and I have no control over grief. There is no recipe for how to go through it. There are no "symptoms" or steps. You just have to deal with what comes your way.

The third thing I hate about grief is the heartache I feel with it. Mother's day this year was my first year without her. My heart physically hurt that day. You think you know what heartache is as you grow up and experience break ups or friends move away. But it was nothing compared to the physical heart ache I felt on Mother's day. To know that each Mother's day, birthday, etc...I can't see her, makes my heart hurt.

The only way to even deal with grief is to cry and pray for comfort that only God can bring. But even that is hard at times because you can't feel Him and you can't see Him. What I wouldn't give for some days to physically climb up on His lap. I spend time in the Psalms and listening to music, I let the tears fall because I know He is keeping track of them as it says:
     You keep track of all my sorrows.
          You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
           You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 NLT

There are still days that I can't believe she is gone. I was there when she took her last breath. I saw her body go through the stages before death. It still at times seems so unreal. At times, I can't believe it has only been 8 months and I think how much longer it is going to be before I see her again. At times, it feels like it has been longer then 8 months because the disease took her long before her body gave up. There are days I see her when I look at me in the mirror. There are days I hear her words coming out of my mouth. I can't believe she is gone. Now, I am left to grieve and go on without her. She took a piece of me when she died. I am a different person since she passed away. I can't go back. I can only go forward step by step and day by day. 

A New Year

This week we left 2013 behind. Leading up to New Year's Eve it sounded good leaving 2013 behind. It was a very hard year. A year full of loss. A year full of pain. But as January 1st approached, I was sad. I wasn't looking forward to leaving 2013 behind and starting a new year. I think it is because I felt like I was leaving her behind. I know it sounds crazy. She is in Heaven, how can I leave her behind?!

I had her for 10 months in 2013. Although many of those months were hard on her and me, she was still here. We made many trips to the ER and I am so glad her jaw is healed now. But I could see her. I could still hug her and on a good day, hear her laugh. As I start this New Year, I start it without her.

Many people make resolutions in the New Year. This year, I don't have any. This year, I have to figure out what life looks like now that she is gone. I have spent the passed 10 years helping to care for my mom. The past 4 years, I have spent 3 times a week visiting her at the nursing home. Towards the end, I was there everyday leaving only for a few hours to eat and some night to try and sleep. See, I am not really excited for the New Year because I see many days ahead without her.

This New Year means to me that I have to figure out what do I do with all this time I have now? Who am I now that I am not a caregiver? How do I not get depressed on the days I used to go see her? How do I fill my time with things that God wants me to do and not just things to take away the emptiness? This New Year means a long road of grieving. So, I am not really happy to start a New Year. I am already tired.

But as I start this New Year, I will try to sit at my Savior's feet and seek His comfort, His face and His direction. Only by doing this, can I make it through this.