Comfort

Comfort is one of that word that would describe what my mom was to me growing up. She was there with me when I had my tonsils removed, staying overnight in the hospital. When my parent's divorced I would sleep on the floor in her room and it made me feel a little better. Even when I was older, I would find myself sleeping on her floor if I was having a hard time. A hug from her or encouraging words would always help me feel better when dealing with a broken heart. I miss that about her. Sometimes, I still need the comfort she would bring. I don't think you are ever too old for the comfort of your mother.

I hope that maybe now, I bring her comfort in her current state. I always hope that when I am there with her, she is a little more relaxed. Maybe my presence brings the same feelings of safety, that she brought me. I wish that when I sat with her, I would feel her comfort again. I wish when I sat with her, that I would feel that everything is okay. But life is so different now with her being sick.

Aching

I have become very good at hiding the pain with a smile. Most of the time, it is a genuine smile....but there are those times when it is hiding the pain, the tears and the aching in my heart for my mom. There doesn't have to be a specific reason, I could have had a great day with her or just going on with my daily life. It can hit at anytime and I ache. I can remember her and the way she was. I think to myself how even though she is treated with the greatest of dignity at the nursing home, how embarrassed she would be that they help her with everything. That makes me ache. It makes me ache for the person she was. I ache for the fact that she doesn't do much on her own anymore. I ache when she is trying to say a word and it doesn't come out right.

I ache when those memories hit me of the way life was before. I can sometimes see it so clearly and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. I ache sometimes at night as I worry is she lonely. I ache for the fact that I will never see her the way she was on this side of heaven. When I think of the time that she will leave this world to be healed in Heaven my heart just aches. What will I do when she is gone?