My mom was having trouble eating some of the tougher foods. This at times resulted in her vomiting after eating. It was decided that we should put her on mechanical soft foods. This means that when there are tougher meats, it is chopped up. This is not pureed food, thank goodness. I don't think I will ever be ready for that stage. She seems to be doing okay on her mechanical soft foods.
We have had roommate changes, which is always interesting. My mom has a tendency to get stuck on words and she talks in her sleep. So, people can handle that and others get nasty about it. The best roommate she ever had was when she 1st moved up to the 3rd floor. The staff is very good about making sure the roommates get along and will make changes if needed. There has been staffing changes at the nursing home, whether they moved on with a new job or were laid off because of budget cuts. Both, I don't like. I have become friends with many at the nursing home.
The biggest change for me this year was her doctor. He was given a great promotion and will be training other NP's. After a year and a half, I finally was able to trust him and his decision for my mom. I had gone through her end of life stuff with him. It is still an adjustment for me. But I remind myself that God was here before her doctors, before the nursing home, and before this disease. Even when things change, God does not, nor does His love for my mom and I.
There have been changes in her memory and her mental ability. Words are harder for her to say. She gets stuck on words more easily. She doesn't laugh as much as she did at the beginning of the year. Her eyes don't always look at me with recognition, but more confusion and emptiness. The "I love you's" are fewer and fewer. I still tell her I love you and once in awhile I get a response. I still go to see her 3 times a week. I know some people wonder why I go so much, mostly for me. I just need to see her.
Many people look forward to the New Year. For the 1st time, I am not. I don't know why. I guess I am always scared of what this new year will bring when it comes to her and the dementia. I am scared that this year could be the last. I am scare of her getting worse. I think if I can stay in 2011, then everything will stay the same. I don't always want to move forward because I know one day I will be without her. I selfishly want to keep her here. When she dies, I will still be here. I will have to learn how to live again, but without her. I will have to figure out what to do on those days that I visit her. I have been going through this with her for the past 8+ years. What will I do when she is gone? I also know that this year, I have to start making funeral arrangements. Not that I plan on her dying, but people say it is easier if you do it before hand. The problem is that when I begin the process, I can't breath. How am I supposed to make these decisions? I shouldn't have to be making these decisions.
I hope this year is a stable year for us. But I know that if it is not and changes continue to happen, that God is here with us. He loves her so much more then I do. He cries when I cry. He aches more, for she is His daughter and His creation. He knows her thoughts even when they are confused and mixed up. He is holding all her words and lost memories in His giant hand, waiting to release them back to her in Heaven.
