Birthday visit....

I am not sure that my mom makes the connection that I am her daughter. But I still wanted to spend time with her today. I needed to spend time with her today. I just wanted to sit with her.

I arrived to find a small birthday bag in her lap. I opened it to find a card and a gift. I immediately started to cry. I thought the staff had done that. The nurses knew my birthday was coming up. I read the card and it was exactly the type of card that she would have picked out. I opened the same gift to find a necklace with a mother and daughter in a heart. The tears would not stop. She would have picked that out. The staff informed me that it was my friends that had stopped in and set it up. They drove there this morning and dropped it off. They asked the nurse to give it to my mom before I arrived. I have never been so grateful for something. It was like they knew her when she was healthy and picked out exactly what she would have. I will cherish it forever. For my friends who did this: I love you so much and thank you just doesn't seem enough.

Soon after I stopped crying the tornado sirens went off. So, we moved all the residents at my mom's nursing home into the hall. Talk about hot and smelly. Wow! But my mom just sat there happy as can be. After all that was over, we went out into the common area and just sat together. She says to me " I love you. You are so sweet. You are the best." The whole time smiling. Even if she doesn't realize that I am her daughter, I know she is my mom and I just wanted to be there. I wanted to hear those few words she says to me. I think this birthday has been so hard because she doesn't really know the relationship between us, but she says I am her best friend. This year, she is in a nursing home. When you have dementia, a nursing home is usually the last step. You don't leave a nursing home when you have dementia except one way. I don't think about that. For now, I just sit with her...I listen and cherish those few words that she repeats over and over again...to me they are so sweet.

35

I am turning 35 this month and this birthday is harder for me. I think with everything that has gone on with my mom, I haven't had time to grieve for the dreams that I once had and now are not going to come true. At one point, I did want a family. Blake and I thought we were going to have kids. I was going to be a stay at home mom just like my mom was. If we had a little girl, her name was going to be Hannah Kathleen because both of our mom's have Kathleen for a name. People who knew me before my mom got sick knew I wanted kids. But something happened when my mom got sick. Roles were reversed. No longer was I just the daughter, I was now the caregiver too. I was having to make medical decision, write checks,keep up her bills, etc. As the disease because worse and took me of her abilities away, I was doing more and more for her. I became exhausted.

I always thought I would have more time with her. I thought she would be around to enjoy grandkids. I thought we would do stuff together. I wish I a could go back for certain moments and cherish them a little longer. The memories of the way she was start to be taken over by the memories of how she is now. Thank goodness for pictures.

People my age usually have kids by now. I think that is why this birthday is so hard for me. I always thought I would be one of those people. But instead I have a mom who is slowly disappearing because of dementia. Instead of going to parks, play dates, etc...I go to the nursing home. The funny thing is that there are time that I could have just seen her and I miss her. People probably wonder why I don't have kids now since my mom is in the nursing home. The truth is I don't have the energy and someone would suffer. As hard as it is...I don't want to stop going to the nursing home and seeing my mom. Even if she doesn't always know who I am. I know who she is.

Just some of my thoughts.....

My mom was having a good day today. She was at exercise class when I got there and she gets so excited to play with the big yellow exercise ball. It is getting harder for her to pick it up as she is losing the use of her left hand. The only way to fix it is through surgery. You really don't want to put someone with the severe dementia that my mom has through surgery. Luckily it isn't her eating hand. It is just another reminder that you don't get better when you have dementia. But she still has a sweet spirit and I love that.

God continues to take care of her. I switched her over to a new insurance plan that will give her better coverage. There will be a NP that comes to visit once a week and will contact me with any changes. But the nice thing is that he calls once a month for a chat to make sure we are all on the same page. It is a total God thing and I don't know that I would have known about this health plan had she gone to a different place. She has a great roommate and I have learned some of the other residents names. I always make sure to say hi to them because I don't know if they have family that comes to visit them.

As Easter approaches, I am reminded of when my mom would hide Easter baskets for us. We would have to find them. But that never over shadowed the real reason for Easter. I wish I could tell her..."mom, I get it. I get why you prayed and read your Bible for an hour each morning I get why you worried about us in this world. I get why you hung on to Jesus with all your heart. I get it." Oh, how I wish I could see her healed on this side of Heaven. But I know He holds her now more then ever. I do wonder if He cries over her? Does He cry over his children that are sick because we live in a fallen world? Does he cry when I cry because I miss her so? But I thank Him that I was given a faithful follower of Christ for a mother.