Emotions...

We drove by my mom's nursing home last night after the Rockies game. I usually don't drive by it at time of night. I was overtaken by an aching heart as I thought of my mom asleep in her bed. Actually, I was hoping she was asleep in her bed. I was praying that she was dreaming of angels dancing over her and God singing over her. But I sometimes worry she is scared or lonely and that breaks my heart. I cry.

Once the ache slowly goes away it sometimes is replaced by guilt. The feeling of not doing enough. The guilt of putting her in a nursing because I can't take care of her like she needs. The guilt of sometimes going through a day of not thinking about her or worrying about her. The guilt of feeling crabby because I am tired of making the journey to the nursing home.

Sometimes, I feel loneliness as I make the journey to the nursing home all by myself. Loneliness as I make all the decision by myself. Loneliness as everyone else around me seems to be going on about life and I am stuck. Loneliness for the relationship I once had with my mom and I no longer have. Loneliness as I sit there with her and watch her slowly fade away.

Wonder will fill me sometimes as I wonder what she thinks about when she drifts away. I wonder what she sees as she looks around her surroundings. I wonder does she have moments when she remembers things and then they quickly leave. I wonder how much longer until she forgets me.

Love is always there. As I look at my sweet mom sitting in her wheelchair and I think I love her so much. I love that she wrote me cards and letters that I have saved, so I can read them now. I love when she looks at me with a big smile and say "I love you." Love will always be there.

3 times a week....

Three times a week, my life stops. I know it sounds weird, but I feel it is true. I go a long with the things of life and some days my life feels normal. Then I make the journey to the nursing home where I am reminded that my mom is sick. That is when my life stops. That is when I am reminded that my mom is slowly fading away. It is part of my life and sometimes I have days that I am so busy, I forget that part. But I go to see her and I am reminded. I sit with her and have simple conversations. I leave and slowly go back to my life, until the next time I visit.

I sometimes wonder what my life is going to be like when she passes on. I don't think about it often because even though she will be healed, I will miss seeing her. I will miss the 3 times a week trips and simple conversations. So, even though I feel like my life stops every time I visit, I cherish the visits. I make my journey to the nursing home 3 times a week, while I have the chance.