I am turning 35 this month and this birthday is harder for me. I think with everything that has gone on with my mom, I haven't had time to grieve for the dreams that I once had and now are not going to come true. At one point, I did want a family. Blake and I thought we were going to have kids. I was going to be a stay at home mom just like my mom was. If we had a little girl, her name was going to be Hannah Kathleen because both of our mom's have Kathleen for a name. People who knew me before my mom got sick knew I wanted kids. But something happened when my mom got sick. Roles were reversed. No longer was I just the daughter, I was now the caregiver too. I was having to make medical decision, write checks,keep up her bills, etc. As the disease because worse and took me of her abilities away, I was doing more and more for her. I became exhausted.
I always thought I would have more time with her. I thought she would be around to enjoy grandkids. I thought we would do stuff together. I wish I a could go back for certain moments and cherish them a little longer. The memories of the way she was start to be taken over by the memories of how she is now. Thank goodness for pictures.
People my age usually have kids by now. I think that is why this birthday is so hard for me. I always thought I would be one of those people. But instead I have a mom who is slowly disappearing because of dementia. Instead of going to parks, play dates, etc...I go to the nursing home. The funny thing is that there are time that I could have just seen her and I miss her. People probably wonder why I don't have kids now since my mom is in the nursing home. The truth is I don't have the energy and someone would suffer. As hard as it is...I don't want to stop going to the nursing home and seeing my mom. Even if she doesn't always know who I am. I know who she is.
And your mom, my sweet friend, loves your more than words can express. Know that if she could tell you in words, how proud she was of you, she would. I know she would want you to be happy and to follow your dreams. She will always be your mom and you will always be her daughter. You are right, you have taken on a lot more than most people our age. It doesn't go unnoticed. You are an amazing woman with an amazing heart. YOU are something to be proud of and I know I am proud to call you my friend. Follow your heart Laurie...if it's having a baby with the man of your dreams, do that. You're mom would be proud of you for doing so. Besides, you would make an amazing mom, just like you are, and would continue to be, an amazing daughter. I love you.
ReplyDeleteYou've said this so poignantly and beautifully, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou can find some of your mom in yourself. You didn't become such a beautiful, caring person without her help. She will, in some ways, never leave you. God knows who she is, too.