I am thankful that she is still here for me to visit. Most days she seems to recognize my voice, but recently there have been a few days where she looks like she doesn't know me at all. Those days hurt deeply. It is a harsh reminder of this disease. People ask how my mom is doing and my answer is stable, because that is all I can really say. You can't say oh she is getting better. You can say she is getting worse. So, as long as I am saying stable, I feel that is good.
I am thankful for the great care she is still receiving. There have been some staff changes and those have been very hard for me. Some staff, I can now call friend and I am so grateful for that. I don't do well with change and I know God knows that. I think He shakes things up for me to remind me that He is constant. Even through all the changes both with her and the nursing home, He is still constant and does not change. For that, I am grateful.
I am grateful that she is my mother. I am grateful that she taught me so much when she was healthy. I am grateful that she wrote me letters and cards. I am really grateful that I saved them. I am grateful that I can see her in me and things that I say or do. She was a wonderful mother and I am so blessed to be her daughter.
But there is a side to the holidays that is not easy and is hard to be thankful for. That part is the hole that is in my life where she was. I remember going to craft shows the day after Thanksgiving. We would play games on Thanksgiving with friends of the family who joined us. I miss those days. I always thought I would have her around. I had dreams of what the holidays would be like after I was married. These dreams included kids and big family gatherings around the holidays. A part of me grieves around the holidays, for those dreams are not going to happen. I wanted her to be Grandma. She would have been a great Grandma. She was a wonderful mother.
