Today was one of those days when I hate having to be the one to make decisions for my mom. As the years go on with her Dementia and life throws some curve balls in the mix, there are times I don't want to make the decisions. There are times that I want to throw a tantrum and say I don't want to. It doesn't last long. I pull up my big girl pants and press on.
I am glad that I can make decisions for her. Most people their family just drops them off and is not apart of their care. That leaves it up to the staff. They are great staff and I know they don't take making decisions for people lightly. The staff will talk to me as I am making decisions. The doctors will talk to me. But in the end, it is up to me.
I know I have some of the same questions that parents do when deciding things for their children. Is what I am saying yes to going to harm them? What if I am make the wrong decision? I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I want her to be as comfortable as we can make her and give her quality of life for as long as we can.
Never did I think that at my age would I have to make decisions about her Advanced Directives and Advanced Care. Luckily, the doctor that went over it with me was very caring and compassionate. It is not a subject that is easy to talk about and the decisions are even harder.
Many people say how lucky she is to have me. But I am blessed to have her as my mom. She was a wonderful mom and woman when I was growing up. She taught me so much. She was there when I made the most important decision at the age of 7. She was there to talk to me about Jesus and she was there when I decided to accept Him as my Savior. I couldn't imagine going through all this without Him. I get to pray to Him about all the decisions for her. And if I love her as much as I do and I don't want to cause harm, I can't imagine how much more He loves her.
Do I understand why this has happened to us? No. Do I get angry about it? Yes. But I know that God is already where my decisions are going to need to be made. He already knows the outcome. I just have to decide to trust Him 100% and that He has my mom in His hands.
