God in the midst of a horrible disease...

Alzheimer's and dementia is a disease that slow take your loved one away from you, while leaving you with just the physical person. It takes her memories away of everything that happened to her throughout her life. It takes away her self sufficiency and she can no longer do anything for herself. It is not easy to know that she is being fed every meal. They try to keep her somewhat able to feed herself with at least one thing each meal, but the brain is just slowly forgetting. You find yourself wondering, "does she really know who I am?" She tells me she loves me and smiles when she sees me. I keep telling myself that she knows me. You grieve with each decline of her memory. You grieve for who she was, is now and what she will become down the road. At times, you find yourself praying God takes her before she can't swallow or talk at all. You find yourself wishing that you could go back to before she was sick. It is hard to believe that at one point she was normal. You were able to talk with her about life and spend time together. Sure, I still go to see her and spend time with her, but now the conversations are limited. You listen as she repeats the same phrases over and over again. You think to yourself, how can this be the same person?

Somewhere in the middle of this dark journey, a light shines through. A light that reminds me that God is still here. He is in the midst of this horrible disease and this horrible journey I am on with my mom. God is where her memories are not anymore. He is holding them securely in His hand ready to release them when she meets Him in Heaven. I see Him all through this journey as we went from living on her own, to living with us, to living in the Assisted Living house, and now at the Nursing home. He has directed every path we take and decision I make for her. He is holding every tear I have shed and I think He might cry too.

I see God in her smile when she looks at me and I think, " she knows me." There is a hint of recognition in her eyes. I see Him when we are sitting at church Sunday morning and she is humming along to hymns she learned a long time ago. I see Him when I hear her laugh and it sounds just like my mom. I see Him care for her and send the right people into our lives at different point in this journey. And all though at first, I was angry with Him and asked Why He would do this to us, I now see Him. I think if I love my mom this much, how much more He loves her. I treasure the precious moments I have with her. This horrible disease is taking her away from me and I don't want to take for granted anytime I have with her, because at any moment that little bit of recognition in her eyes could be gone.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death, nor life, neither angels not demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever ben able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. " Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Today is my mom 62nd birthday. It is hard to believe how fast time goes. It is hard to believe we have been dealing with the dementia for 7 years. This time last year, we were celebrating at the assistant living house and she was walking. Now, we are celebrating in a nursing home and she is not walking.

My mom always liked to go for Chinese food on her birthday. We had a specific restaurant that we always went to. I would usually get her some artwork from Thomas Kinkade. Today, all I got her was a cake. But she enjoyed it. She doesn't really understand or remembers gifts. It is very hard and sad at times.

Today reminds me of Psalm 139...

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my mom's body

and knit her together in her mother's womb.

Thank you for making her so wonderfully complex.

Your workmanship is marvelous-How well you know it.

You watched her as she was being formed in utter seclusion,

as she was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw her even before she was born.

Every day of her life was recorded in Your book.

Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

I also remind myself that God holds her lost memories in His hand and they will be restored one day.

Happy Birthday, Sweet mom. Oh, how I miss you. Oh, how I wish we could go enjoy some chinese food and talk about life.