She is spending Christmas in Heaven this year. She will be with her sister, mom and dad. I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven?
She is fully healed now. Her memories have been restored. Her jaw will no longer get locked. She is able to walk again and use her hands fully.
I miss her deeply.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Thankful
When your loved one has an incurable disease, it is very hard at time to be thankful. Each day I see my mom slipping further and further away. I miss her all the time. She is not the same person anymore. She can no longer do most things for herself. She is slowly not recognizing me as much. So, how can I be thankful in all of this?
First, I am thankful for the care that the nursing home gives her. I am thankful for the staff and the friendships I have built there. They care for her in a way that I cannot. They support me and my decisions I make for her. The doctors at the nursing home care about both of us. They ask how I am doing in all of this. They don't pressure me and want what is best for me. Decisions at this stage in her disease are not easy. They help me each step of the way. Hospice helps with her pain and having other visit her when I can't.
Second, I am thankful that we can go to the ER and get her jaw fixed when it locks. The insurance pays for it and we are usually in and out of there in a few hours. Am I thankful her jaw is having issues, no. Do I understand it, no. But I am thankful to have the means to fix it. I am thankful for the caring Ambulance company that I use most of the time because they know us. Yes, it is sad they know us...but they care about us.
Third, I am thankful that I am able to be there for my mom. It is exhausting and I ache deeply all the time for her. But I can be there to make decisions on her behalf that she is not able to make anymore. Most people just drop their loved ones off and don't really care. Some have to work to provide for their family. I am thankful for a hardworking and understand husband, that allows me to take care of my mom.
Most of all, I am thankful that this is not the end. I am thankful that my mom made that decision many years ago to accept Christ as her savior. One day, she will be whole again. Oh, how I wish it was on this side of Heaven. But I know that God is holding every lost thought, word and memory in His mighty hand. I know that He is holding every tear I have cried over her, in His hands. One day, all those will be restored. He holds her so close to Him and He holds me close, even when I don't feel Him. I know He is there. I know He cries with me. Could He take this all away? Yes. But this is the road He has chosen for us to walk. I am thankful He is walking this with me. I am thankful for the faith that I see this journey developing in me. See faith isn't developed in the good times and when life is going smoothly. Faith is developed when I can 't see the end, I can't see the reason for all of this, I keep praying for her jaw and it keeps getting locked. Faith is developed when I cry out to Him because my strength is gone and I have to go to the ER one more time. And so many other times through all of this. Oh, how I am thankful for my Faith!
I am thankful that one day this is verse and long for that day!
Revelation 21:4
And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.
First, I am thankful for the care that the nursing home gives her. I am thankful for the staff and the friendships I have built there. They care for her in a way that I cannot. They support me and my decisions I make for her. The doctors at the nursing home care about both of us. They ask how I am doing in all of this. They don't pressure me and want what is best for me. Decisions at this stage in her disease are not easy. They help me each step of the way. Hospice helps with her pain and having other visit her when I can't.
Second, I am thankful that we can go to the ER and get her jaw fixed when it locks. The insurance pays for it and we are usually in and out of there in a few hours. Am I thankful her jaw is having issues, no. Do I understand it, no. But I am thankful to have the means to fix it. I am thankful for the caring Ambulance company that I use most of the time because they know us. Yes, it is sad they know us...but they care about us.
Third, I am thankful that I am able to be there for my mom. It is exhausting and I ache deeply all the time for her. But I can be there to make decisions on her behalf that she is not able to make anymore. Most people just drop their loved ones off and don't really care. Some have to work to provide for their family. I am thankful for a hardworking and understand husband, that allows me to take care of my mom.
Most of all, I am thankful that this is not the end. I am thankful that my mom made that decision many years ago to accept Christ as her savior. One day, she will be whole again. Oh, how I wish it was on this side of Heaven. But I know that God is holding every lost thought, word and memory in His mighty hand. I know that He is holding every tear I have cried over her, in His hands. One day, all those will be restored. He holds her so close to Him and He holds me close, even when I don't feel Him. I know He is there. I know He cries with me. Could He take this all away? Yes. But this is the road He has chosen for us to walk. I am thankful He is walking this with me. I am thankful for the faith that I see this journey developing in me. See faith isn't developed in the good times and when life is going smoothly. Faith is developed when I can 't see the end, I can't see the reason for all of this, I keep praying for her jaw and it keeps getting locked. Faith is developed when I cry out to Him because my strength is gone and I have to go to the ER one more time. And so many other times through all of this. Oh, how I am thankful for my Faith!
I am thankful that one day this is verse and long for that day!
Revelation 21:4
And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Hospice= help and comfort
The one thing that I have learned from all the time that I spend with my mom at the nursing home is that hospice doesn't always mean death. I used to think that. In most cases, people don't go on hospice until they are close to dying. For my mom and I it means help.
After an exhausting 2 weeks of ER trips every couple of days in March, I made the decision to put my mom on hospice. I knew by doing this it didn't mean she was dying soon. I knew that they could help us with her pain medicine and make changes to some of her other meds to see if we can keep her comfortable. With the late stage that my mom is in, you don't know if she is in pain and where that pain might be. It is a guessing game. You watch her facial expressions and her agitation. Those are the only signs we have. Can she be in pain and grinding her teeth, sure. Does she understand what she is doing, no. That means I need to do something to keep her comfortable.
I met with the hospice on the Monday that my father in law died. I sometimes wonder if all the trips to the ER was God trying to get my attention. Was He getting me to the point where I would accept Hospice, maybe. Was her jaw coming out because of the Botox, maybe. Did I need more help with her care, YES! That Monday she was signed up with hospice. They brought her a new bed, a new wheelchair and a new air mattress to help her be comfortable.
For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone in this. Yes, the staff at the nursing home is wonderful and I call many of them friends. But they have so many other residents that they are in charge of. They take excellent care of my mom and I am so grateful for all of them, but I needed more one on one help. That is where hospice comes in. The hospice nurse is wonderful. The social worker knows all about lock jaw because her ex husband had it. The chaplain sits with my mom and reads the Bible to her. The chaplain calls me to see how I am doing.
Everything hospice does for my mom is about making her comfortable. That is a huge blessing and praise for me. See I can't make her comfortable all the time. Yes, I think I can help when we are at the ER and I am talking to her. But I can't take the pain away. I can't change this for her. At least with hospice, they can help her with medicine. They can change any medicine at any time to make her comfortable. They visit her on days that I am not there and that brings me comfort.
It takes special people to be hospice workers. They are full of compassion and care so much for their patients and family members. I am so glad that I made the decision to get hospice care for my mom. I know she is in the late stages of this awful disease and I can't change that. But I can at least make sure she is comfortable and hopefully not in pain. God continues to bring amazing people into our path through this. I am grateful for them all.
After an exhausting 2 weeks of ER trips every couple of days in March, I made the decision to put my mom on hospice. I knew by doing this it didn't mean she was dying soon. I knew that they could help us with her pain medicine and make changes to some of her other meds to see if we can keep her comfortable. With the late stage that my mom is in, you don't know if she is in pain and where that pain might be. It is a guessing game. You watch her facial expressions and her agitation. Those are the only signs we have. Can she be in pain and grinding her teeth, sure. Does she understand what she is doing, no. That means I need to do something to keep her comfortable.
I met with the hospice on the Monday that my father in law died. I sometimes wonder if all the trips to the ER was God trying to get my attention. Was He getting me to the point where I would accept Hospice, maybe. Was her jaw coming out because of the Botox, maybe. Did I need more help with her care, YES! That Monday she was signed up with hospice. They brought her a new bed, a new wheelchair and a new air mattress to help her be comfortable.
For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone in this. Yes, the staff at the nursing home is wonderful and I call many of them friends. But they have so many other residents that they are in charge of. They take excellent care of my mom and I am so grateful for all of them, but I needed more one on one help. That is where hospice comes in. The hospice nurse is wonderful. The social worker knows all about lock jaw because her ex husband had it. The chaplain sits with my mom and reads the Bible to her. The chaplain calls me to see how I am doing.
Everything hospice does for my mom is about making her comfortable. That is a huge blessing and praise for me. See I can't make her comfortable all the time. Yes, I think I can help when we are at the ER and I am talking to her. But I can't take the pain away. I can't change this for her. At least with hospice, they can help her with medicine. They can change any medicine at any time to make her comfortable. They visit her on days that I am not there and that brings me comfort.
It takes special people to be hospice workers. They are full of compassion and care so much for their patients and family members. I am so glad that I made the decision to get hospice care for my mom. I know she is in the late stages of this awful disease and I can't change that. But I can at least make sure she is comfortable and hopefully not in pain. God continues to bring amazing people into our path through this. I am grateful for them all.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Decisions
Today was one of those days when I hate having to be the one to make decisions for my mom. As the years go on with her Dementia and life throws some curve balls in the mix, there are times I don't want to make the decisions. There are times that I want to throw a tantrum and say I don't want to. It doesn't last long. I pull up my big girl pants and press on.
I am glad that I can make decisions for her. Most people their family just drops them off and is not apart of their care. That leaves it up to the staff. They are great staff and I know they don't take making decisions for people lightly. The staff will talk to me as I am making decisions. The doctors will talk to me. But in the end, it is up to me.
I know I have some of the same questions that parents do when deciding things for their children. Is what I am saying yes to going to harm them? What if I am make the wrong decision? I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I want her to be as comfortable as we can make her and give her quality of life for as long as we can.
Never did I think that at my age would I have to make decisions about her Advanced Directives and Advanced Care. Luckily, the doctor that went over it with me was very caring and compassionate. It is not a subject that is easy to talk about and the decisions are even harder.
Many people say how lucky she is to have me. But I am blessed to have her as my mom. She was a wonderful mom and woman when I was growing up. She taught me so much. She was there when I made the most important decision at the age of 7. She was there to talk to me about Jesus and she was there when I decided to accept Him as my Savior. I couldn't imagine going through all this without Him. I get to pray to Him about all the decisions for her. And if I love her as much as I do and I don't want to cause harm, I can't imagine how much more He loves her.
Do I understand why this has happened to us? No. Do I get angry about it? Yes. But I know that God is already where my decisions are going to need to be made. He already knows the outcome. I just have to decide to trust Him 100% and that He has my mom in His hands.
I am glad that I can make decisions for her. Most people their family just drops them off and is not apart of their care. That leaves it up to the staff. They are great staff and I know they don't take making decisions for people lightly. The staff will talk to me as I am making decisions. The doctors will talk to me. But in the end, it is up to me.
I know I have some of the same questions that parents do when deciding things for their children. Is what I am saying yes to going to harm them? What if I am make the wrong decision? I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I want her to be as comfortable as we can make her and give her quality of life for as long as we can.
Never did I think that at my age would I have to make decisions about her Advanced Directives and Advanced Care. Luckily, the doctor that went over it with me was very caring and compassionate. It is not a subject that is easy to talk about and the decisions are even harder.
Many people say how lucky she is to have me. But I am blessed to have her as my mom. She was a wonderful mom and woman when I was growing up. She taught me so much. She was there when I made the most important decision at the age of 7. She was there to talk to me about Jesus and she was there when I decided to accept Him as my Savior. I couldn't imagine going through all this without Him. I get to pray to Him about all the decisions for her. And if I love her as much as I do and I don't want to cause harm, I can't imagine how much more He loves her.
Do I understand why this has happened to us? No. Do I get angry about it? Yes. But I know that God is already where my decisions are going to need to be made. He already knows the outcome. I just have to decide to trust Him 100% and that He has my mom in His hands.
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