Aching

I have become very good at hiding the pain with a smile. Most of the time, it is a genuine smile....but there are those times when it is hiding the pain, the tears and the aching in my heart for my mom. There doesn't have to be a specific reason, I could have had a great day with her or just going on with my daily life. It can hit at anytime and I ache. I can remember her and the way she was. I think to myself how even though she is treated with the greatest of dignity at the nursing home, how embarrassed she would be that they help her with everything. That makes me ache. It makes me ache for the person she was. I ache for the fact that she doesn't do much on her own anymore. I ache when she is trying to say a word and it doesn't come out right.

I ache when those memories hit me of the way life was before. I can sometimes see it so clearly and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. I ache sometimes at night as I worry is she lonely. I ache for the fact that I will never see her the way she was on this side of heaven. When I think of the time that she will leave this world to be healed in Heaven my heart just aches. What will I do when she is gone?