A New Year

This week we left 2013 behind. Leading up to New Year's Eve it sounded good leaving 2013 behind. It was a very hard year. A year full of loss. A year full of pain. But as January 1st approached, I was sad. I wasn't looking forward to leaving 2013 behind and starting a new year. I think it is because I felt like I was leaving her behind. I know it sounds crazy. She is in Heaven, how can I leave her behind?!

I had her for 10 months in 2013. Although many of those months were hard on her and me, she was still here. We made many trips to the ER and I am so glad her jaw is healed now. But I could see her. I could still hug her and on a good day, hear her laugh. As I start this New Year, I start it without her.

Many people make resolutions in the New Year. This year, I don't have any. This year, I have to figure out what life looks like now that she is gone. I have spent the passed 10 years helping to care for my mom. The past 4 years, I have spent 3 times a week visiting her at the nursing home. Towards the end, I was there everyday leaving only for a few hours to eat and some night to try and sleep. See, I am not really excited for the New Year because I see many days ahead without her.

This New Year means to me that I have to figure out what do I do with all this time I have now? Who am I now that I am not a caregiver? How do I not get depressed on the days I used to go see her? How do I fill my time with things that God wants me to do and not just things to take away the emptiness? This New Year means a long road of grieving. So, I am not really happy to start a New Year. I am already tired.

But as I start this New Year, I will try to sit at my Savior's feet and seek His comfort, His face and His direction. Only by doing this, can I make it through this.