Christmas 2012

She didn't respond much today. I brought the dogs and Blake with me, she didn't respond much to them either. She was sleepy and mostly rested in her chair. The days leading up to Christmas had my stomach in knots. This year has been a challenge with her jaw. For whatever reason, her jaw has decided to lock this year, three times with three trips to the ER. I would say many silent prayers asking God to please keep her jaw in place over Christmas. I didn't want to go to the ER. I cringe when my phone rings and I see it's the nursing home. I freak out thinking what is wrong. They usually only call when something has happened. I am there 3 times a week.

The trips to the ER bring many tears for me. Tears for her and what she is going through. How scared she must be because she probably doesn't understand why her jaw is locked open and she can't ask for help or talk very well. She is taken to a hospital where the people are different and she doesn't recognize them. I go every time because I can't leave her there alone. I can't expect the ER staff to make the right decision for her and on her behalf. That is my responsibility.

Tears fall for the person she is now and the person I miss so deeply, especially as the Christmas season comes around. I miss her and doing the things we used to do. We used to watch Little Women and I can't watch that movie now. Tears fall at Church service because she always did love hearing the kids sing. Tears fall because I can't bring her to service with me. She loved the Christmas music. Tears fall because I know God loves her so much more then I do and I pray He is singing over her. I pray He is closer to her now more then ever before. I pray that she sees Him or an angel. I pray He comforts her in a way that I can't.

I never know what the next year will bring as each year comes to an end. It is hard to believe we will be going into our 10th year on this Dementia journey. People tell me that my mom can last for 10+ more years and I think please God don't let that be. She is in a wheelchair and can no longer do much of anything for herself. No one deserves to live a long time like this. She should be healed and whole in Heaven with her loved ones who have passed already. But then, I think...no, I want to keep her here. I want to be able to see her. If I can't see her, I feel like I will lose me.

She was here for this Christmas. Merry Christmas, my sweet mom. I love you and miss you so very much.