Time...

I walked into our guest room last night and stop for a moment. I thought to myself this is where my mom used to sleep. This was her room. It seems so long ago. I have times like this often. Times when I remember so clearly things we did together. Times when I can see so clearly when she was healthy. But it seems like a different lifetime. There are also a lot of times when I ache inside for the way she used to be, that never goes away.

If I could go back, I would spend more time listening to what she had to say. I would enjoy our moments together and take more pictures. If I could go back, I would sit and enjoy her company more. Each year the goes by, takes me further away from those healthy days and takes more of my memory of those days. Each year that goes by, takes her further away from me.

With dementia, you never know how much time you have with your loved one. So, you learn to cherish each moment you have with them. I cherish the few words that are exchanged between us. I cherish the times I see her smile and I hear her laugh. I cherish the times she looks at me and say "I love you." There are times I pray please give me a glimpse of the way she was. There are times I pray please give me some more time with her.

There are times that no matter what, I cry when I leave the nursing home because this is not how things were supposed to be.

Care Meeting...

Yesterday was my mom's care meeting at the Nursing home. As I was getting ready to head there, I was thinking...Most people my age go to Parent/Teacher conferences, not care meetings for their mom's at a nursing home. But this is the journey God is taking us on. I knew it was going to be a pretty good meeting and not much to talk about. I was right. But it was nice to hear from the staff about my mom. The activities lady told me that they do one on one activities with her. Although, she doesn't really do much because of how the dementia has affected her brain, they still meet with her. Christina says she likes to sit with my mom and just hold her hand. I know my mom likes that because I do that with her too. They always take her when there is an activity with music. She still loves her music. I guess there is also a lady that comes in once a month that does aroma therapy with soothing music. Yup, they know my mom!

The nursing manager told me my mom is one of their favorites. I was proud. It is good to hear that from people who take care of my mom every day. Sarah said they still are helping her walk if she wants too, but it is getting harder and harder. They give her one finger food with each meal to keep her using her hands, well, her right hand. My mom is stable, no major changes or behavior issues. I am grateful for these stable days.

"Thy Will be Done"
Helen Steiner Rice

God did not promise sun without rain,
Light without darkness or joy without pain.
He only promised strength for the day, when darkness comes and we lose our way....
For only through sorrow do we grow more aware
That God is our refuge in times of despair,
For when we are happy and life's bright and fair,
We often forget to kneel down in prayer...
But God seems much closer and needed much more
When trouble and sorrow stand outside our door,
For then we seek shelter in His wondrous love,
And we ask Him to send us help from above...
And that is the reason we know it is true
That bright, shinning hours and dark, sad ones, too,
Are part of the plan God made for each one,
And all we can pray is "Thy will be done."
And know that you are never alone,
For God is your Father and you're one of His own.

Going home...

My mom's roommate is so cute sometimes. She is always telling me "how good my mom is doing and she is talking real well". She tells me how she is getting around and she can find her way to her room. Mary thinks my mom is there for rehab and will be going home. She asked me today "if my mom is going to go home when she gets better?" I just answered yes. There are some things you don't get into with some of the residents. I am not entirely sure what Mary's health status is. Plus, it is one of those times that I have learned through this process that a white lie is okay. There are just some things that the truth is not the right answer.

In my heart, it is the other way around. My mom will be better when she goes home. Oh, my heart wishes she would get better and be able to return to her old life, but I know that is probably not what God wants for us. I never thought I would ever feel that my mom is better off in Heaven. I would never go there because I didn't want to think about being here without her. But what the dementia has done to my mom.....I know this...

2 Corinthians 5:6-8
We are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things had passed away.

So, yes Mary, one day my mom will be going home.

Emotions...

We drove by my mom's nursing home last night after the Rockies game. I usually don't drive by it at time of night. I was overtaken by an aching heart as I thought of my mom asleep in her bed. Actually, I was hoping she was asleep in her bed. I was praying that she was dreaming of angels dancing over her and God singing over her. But I sometimes worry she is scared or lonely and that breaks my heart. I cry.

Once the ache slowly goes away it sometimes is replaced by guilt. The feeling of not doing enough. The guilt of putting her in a nursing because I can't take care of her like she needs. The guilt of sometimes going through a day of not thinking about her or worrying about her. The guilt of feeling crabby because I am tired of making the journey to the nursing home.

Sometimes, I feel loneliness as I make the journey to the nursing home all by myself. Loneliness as I make all the decision by myself. Loneliness as everyone else around me seems to be going on about life and I am stuck. Loneliness for the relationship I once had with my mom and I no longer have. Loneliness as I sit there with her and watch her slowly fade away.

Wonder will fill me sometimes as I wonder what she thinks about when she drifts away. I wonder what she sees as she looks around her surroundings. I wonder does she have moments when she remembers things and then they quickly leave. I wonder how much longer until she forgets me.

Love is always there. As I look at my sweet mom sitting in her wheelchair and I think I love her so much. I love that she wrote me cards and letters that I have saved, so I can read them now. I love when she looks at me with a big smile and say "I love you." Love will always be there.

3 times a week....

Three times a week, my life stops. I know it sounds weird, but I feel it is true. I go a long with the things of life and some days my life feels normal. Then I make the journey to the nursing home where I am reminded that my mom is sick. That is when my life stops. That is when I am reminded that my mom is slowly fading away. It is part of my life and sometimes I have days that I am so busy, I forget that part. But I go to see her and I am reminded. I sit with her and have simple conversations. I leave and slowly go back to my life, until the next time I visit.

I sometimes wonder what my life is going to be like when she passes on. I don't think about it often because even though she will be healed, I will miss seeing her. I will miss the 3 times a week trips and simple conversations. So, even though I feel like my life stops every time I visit, I cherish the visits. I make my journey to the nursing home 3 times a week, while I have the chance.

Seems like a lifetime ago...

I came across old papers of my mom's. We have been cleaning and trying to organize our house. I acquired all her paperwork and have been going through it all. Some of the paperwork was from her old townhome that we moved into in 1990. I can still see the place so clearly. We used to walk a certain path when the weather started to get nice. She was healthy and able to do everything on her own. It seems like a lifetime ago.

When she moved into Heather Gardens, we used to walk together. She used to walk around the whole property which I think was 2.5 miles, if I remember correctly. She loved to look at the flowers. We always liked to take walks together. That was one of the things we would do after I had to move her to Assisted Living. We would walk around the neighborhood and look at the flowers. That was just 3 years ago and yet, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Now, she doesn't walk anymore, but she still like flowers. We talk about them a lot especially since I work for a florist. I miss those old walks. I miss those times we shared together. Now, I walk and push her in her wheelchair.

A Reminder...

I never know when her dementia is going to take another turn. I start enjoying all the good days and then a bad one comes along. Yesterday, she was tired and really out of it. Her eyes were distant, but she still responded to my voice. If she wouldn't have done that, I would have been really worried. It just reminds me that with dementia, she won't get better and those moments make me cry. They make me miss her so much. Moments like yesterday make me dread the ones that will come up in the future as this disease continues to take my mom. I try to stay focused on the good ones and I try to keep positive, but sometimes...I can't. Sometimes, I want to scream at how unfair this is for both of us. Sometimes, I would just like to run away, but I can't. I just pray for God to give me more strength for this journey.

I like to think that those moments when her eyes are so distant that maybe she sees angels dancing over flowers, because she loves flowers. I do wonder where she goes when she seems so distant. I hope it is a happy place.

Days like yesterday remind me of a favorite poem from Helen Steiner Rice....

If I never grew weary with the weight of my load
Would I search for God's peace at the end of the road;
If I never knew sickness or never felt pain
Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain;
If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss
Would my soul seek sweet solace and the foot of the cross?
I ask myself this and the answer is plain-
If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain
I'd seek God less often and need Him much less,
For God's sought more often in time of distress.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:19