Going home...

My mom's roommate is so cute sometimes. She is always telling me "how good my mom is doing and she is talking real well". She tells me how she is getting around and she can find her way to her room. Mary thinks my mom is there for rehab and will be going home. She asked me today "if my mom is going to go home when she gets better?" I just answered yes. There are some things you don't get into with some of the residents. I am not entirely sure what Mary's health status is. Plus, it is one of those times that I have learned through this process that a white lie is okay. There are just some things that the truth is not the right answer.

In my heart, it is the other way around. My mom will be better when she goes home. Oh, my heart wishes she would get better and be able to return to her old life, but I know that is probably not what God wants for us. I never thought I would ever feel that my mom is better off in Heaven. I would never go there because I didn't want to think about being here without her. But what the dementia has done to my mom.....I know this...

2 Corinthians 5:6-8
We are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. We live by faith, not by sight. We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things had passed away.

So, yes Mary, one day my mom will be going home.

Emotions...

We drove by my mom's nursing home last night after the Rockies game. I usually don't drive by it at time of night. I was overtaken by an aching heart as I thought of my mom asleep in her bed. Actually, I was hoping she was asleep in her bed. I was praying that she was dreaming of angels dancing over her and God singing over her. But I sometimes worry she is scared or lonely and that breaks my heart. I cry.

Once the ache slowly goes away it sometimes is replaced by guilt. The feeling of not doing enough. The guilt of putting her in a nursing because I can't take care of her like she needs. The guilt of sometimes going through a day of not thinking about her or worrying about her. The guilt of feeling crabby because I am tired of making the journey to the nursing home.

Sometimes, I feel loneliness as I make the journey to the nursing home all by myself. Loneliness as I make all the decision by myself. Loneliness as everyone else around me seems to be going on about life and I am stuck. Loneliness for the relationship I once had with my mom and I no longer have. Loneliness as I sit there with her and watch her slowly fade away.

Wonder will fill me sometimes as I wonder what she thinks about when she drifts away. I wonder what she sees as she looks around her surroundings. I wonder does she have moments when she remembers things and then they quickly leave. I wonder how much longer until she forgets me.

Love is always there. As I look at my sweet mom sitting in her wheelchair and I think I love her so much. I love that she wrote me cards and letters that I have saved, so I can read them now. I love when she looks at me with a big smile and say "I love you." Love will always be there.

3 times a week....

Three times a week, my life stops. I know it sounds weird, but I feel it is true. I go a long with the things of life and some days my life feels normal. Then I make the journey to the nursing home where I am reminded that my mom is sick. That is when my life stops. That is when I am reminded that my mom is slowly fading away. It is part of my life and sometimes I have days that I am so busy, I forget that part. But I go to see her and I am reminded. I sit with her and have simple conversations. I leave and slowly go back to my life, until the next time I visit.

I sometimes wonder what my life is going to be like when she passes on. I don't think about it often because even though she will be healed, I will miss seeing her. I will miss the 3 times a week trips and simple conversations. So, even though I feel like my life stops every time I visit, I cherish the visits. I make my journey to the nursing home 3 times a week, while I have the chance.

Seems like a lifetime ago...

I came across old papers of my mom's. We have been cleaning and trying to organize our house. I acquired all her paperwork and have been going through it all. Some of the paperwork was from her old townhome that we moved into in 1990. I can still see the place so clearly. We used to walk a certain path when the weather started to get nice. She was healthy and able to do everything on her own. It seems like a lifetime ago.

When she moved into Heather Gardens, we used to walk together. She used to walk around the whole property which I think was 2.5 miles, if I remember correctly. She loved to look at the flowers. We always liked to take walks together. That was one of the things we would do after I had to move her to Assisted Living. We would walk around the neighborhood and look at the flowers. That was just 3 years ago and yet, it seems like a lifetime ago.

Now, she doesn't walk anymore, but she still like flowers. We talk about them a lot especially since I work for a florist. I miss those old walks. I miss those times we shared together. Now, I walk and push her in her wheelchair.

A Reminder...

I never know when her dementia is going to take another turn. I start enjoying all the good days and then a bad one comes along. Yesterday, she was tired and really out of it. Her eyes were distant, but she still responded to my voice. If she wouldn't have done that, I would have been really worried. It just reminds me that with dementia, she won't get better and those moments make me cry. They make me miss her so much. Moments like yesterday make me dread the ones that will come up in the future as this disease continues to take my mom. I try to stay focused on the good ones and I try to keep positive, but sometimes...I can't. Sometimes, I want to scream at how unfair this is for both of us. Sometimes, I would just like to run away, but I can't. I just pray for God to give me more strength for this journey.

I like to think that those moments when her eyes are so distant that maybe she sees angels dancing over flowers, because she loves flowers. I do wonder where she goes when she seems so distant. I hope it is a happy place.

Days like yesterday remind me of a favorite poem from Helen Steiner Rice....

If I never grew weary with the weight of my load
Would I search for God's peace at the end of the road;
If I never knew sickness or never felt pain
Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain;
If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss
Would my soul seek sweet solace and the foot of the cross?
I ask myself this and the answer is plain-
If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain
I'd seek God less often and need Him much less,
For God's sought more often in time of distress.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous; but the Lord delivers him out of them all. Psalm 34:19

Sometimes....

Sometimes, a memory of her will just hit me and sometimes, I wish I could go back to that time.

Sometimes, I worry she is scared at night and feels alone.

Sometimes, I picture angels dancing over her while she sleeps and God singing over her while she dreams.

Sometimes, I wonder what she thinks about when she seems to drift away.

Sometimes, I feel alone in all of this as I make all the decisions, take care of all the issues and make all the visits.

Sometimes, I think I am going to miss our visits when she passes away.

And Sometimes, I cry because I miss her so.

Mother's Day

Before my mom became sick with dementia, I would have been looking for something Thomas Kinkade to get her or a special artwork about being a mom. I don't remember what was the last gift I gave her before she got sick. Now, that she is sick, the gifts are more simple. She no longer can read or see pictures very well. The dementia is affecting her vision. So, this year I made her a corsage with her favorite colors, pink and purple. I will take her to church and spend time with her. She won't really know the significance of the day, but just like with my birthday...I just want to see her. So, here are some pictures of my mom earlier in her life.

Things about my mom I like to remember. She had an unwavering faith. She prayed and read her bible every morning for an hour. Her and I have the same sense of humor, If you fall in front of us, we laugh. WE would always laugh if we were moving furniture. She loved to go to the mountains for vacation, but condo vacations, not camping. She used to make clothes for my sister and I when we were young. We would always go to craft shows after Thanksgiving. She was the best at writing cards and letters. I am so glad I kept them all.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you!