Another year, Another Birthday

It probably seems weird that I would talk about my birthday on a blog about my mom. The truth is that birthdays and holidays are so hard without her. Oh, I know she isn't dead..but she is not the same mom I knew. I miss her so much, especially on my birthday. My mom would always buy the most beautiful birthday cards and if it wasn't enough the words on the card, she would then fill the card in with her own words. I wish there was a way I could share them on here. Her words were always so encouraging and uplifting. I would always hear how proud she was of me and how much she loved me. I am so glad that I have kept all her cards. I take them out and read them. It is so very painful and yet, I eat up her words all over again.

I will see my mom on my birthday. I always like to see her. Yes, it is hard because she doesn't really know I am her daughter and she definitely doesn't know it is my birthday. But when I am with her, I feel a little more whole. I selfishly pray that she stay stable for a while. She is a big part of who I am today. She was a great mom. She taught me so much. I miss talking to her about life. I miss taking walks with her. I am afraid of the day that she passes. Oh, I know she will be healed and with her family. But I am afraid she will take a big part of me with her.

I love you, mom and I ache so many times for you. I wish for just a few moments....we could talk again. I wish I had taken more pictures with you when I was growing up. I keep looking in boxes of pictures thinking there will be new pictures of us, that I didn't see before. I wish I could tell you thank you. Thank you for being a great mom. Thank you for raising me up to know and live for God. Thank you for your example of faith. I see more of you in me, as I get older. It is a good thing. I am proud to be like you.