Grief

I hate grief. There are so many reasons why. First, it means that my mom is gone. I can't see her when I want to. I can't hear her laugh anymore. Yes, I am so glad she is healed and whole again. But I miss her every day. Grief is the price we pay for loving people.

The second thing I hate about grief is how unpreditable it is. I can be having a good day and things are going well, only to be sucker punch by grief and fall asleep crying. Maybe a dream I have wakes me up in the morning and my day starts off with grief. I still have dreams about the ER and her jaw. I have dreams of the nursing home. I have dreams of people who were apart of our lives the past 4 years. I guess that is a way I am trying to deal with grief.  I am a person who likes to have a little control and I have no control over grief. There is no recipe for how to go through it. There are no "symptoms" or steps. You just have to deal with what comes your way.

The third thing I hate about grief is the heartache I feel with it. Mother's day this year was my first year without her. My heart physically hurt that day. You think you know what heartache is as you grow up and experience break ups or friends move away. But it was nothing compared to the physical heart ache I felt on Mother's day. To know that each Mother's day, birthday, etc...I can't see her, makes my heart hurt.

The only way to even deal with grief is to cry and pray for comfort that only God can bring. But even that is hard at times because you can't feel Him and you can't see Him. What I wouldn't give for some days to physically climb up on His lap. I spend time in the Psalms and listening to music, I let the tears fall because I know He is keeping track of them as it says:
     You keep track of all my sorrows.
          You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
           You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 NLT

There are still days that I can't believe she is gone. I was there when she took her last breath. I saw her body go through the stages before death. It still at times seems so unreal. At times, I can't believe it has only been 8 months and I think how much longer it is going to be before I see her again. At times, it feels like it has been longer then 8 months because the disease took her long before her body gave up. There are days I see her when I look at me in the mirror. There are days I hear her words coming out of my mouth. I can't believe she is gone. Now, I am left to grieve and go on without her. She took a piece of me when she died. I am a different person since she passed away. I can't go back. I can only go forward step by step and day by day. 

A New Year

This week we left 2013 behind. Leading up to New Year's Eve it sounded good leaving 2013 behind. It was a very hard year. A year full of loss. A year full of pain. But as January 1st approached, I was sad. I wasn't looking forward to leaving 2013 behind and starting a new year. I think it is because I felt like I was leaving her behind. I know it sounds crazy. She is in Heaven, how can I leave her behind?!

I had her for 10 months in 2013. Although many of those months were hard on her and me, she was still here. We made many trips to the ER and I am so glad her jaw is healed now. But I could see her. I could still hug her and on a good day, hear her laugh. As I start this New Year, I start it without her.

Many people make resolutions in the New Year. This year, I don't have any. This year, I have to figure out what life looks like now that she is gone. I have spent the passed 10 years helping to care for my mom. The past 4 years, I have spent 3 times a week visiting her at the nursing home. Towards the end, I was there everyday leaving only for a few hours to eat and some night to try and sleep. See, I am not really excited for the New Year because I see many days ahead without her.

This New Year means to me that I have to figure out what do I do with all this time I have now? Who am I now that I am not a caregiver? How do I not get depressed on the days I used to go see her? How do I fill my time with things that God wants me to do and not just things to take away the emptiness? This New Year means a long road of grieving. So, I am not really happy to start a New Year. I am already tired.

But as I start this New Year, I will try to sit at my Savior's feet and seek His comfort, His face and His direction. Only by doing this, can I make it through this.

Christmas 2013

She is spending Christmas in Heaven this year. She will be with her sister, mom and dad. I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven?

She is fully healed now. Her memories have been restored. Her jaw will no longer get locked. She is able to walk again and use her hands fully.

I miss her deeply.

Thankful

When your loved one has an incurable disease, it is very hard at time to be thankful. Each day I see my mom slipping further and further away. I miss her all the time. She is not the same person anymore. She can no longer do most things for herself. She is slowly not recognizing me as much. So, how can I be thankful in all of this?

First, I am thankful for the care that the nursing home gives her. I am thankful for the staff and the friendships I have built there. They care for her in a way that I cannot. They support me and my decisions I make for her. The doctors at the nursing home care about both of us. They ask how I am doing in all of this. They don't pressure me and want what is best for me. Decisions at this stage in her disease are not easy. They help me each step of the way. Hospice helps with her pain and having other visit her when I can't.

Second, I am thankful that we can go to the ER and get her jaw fixed when it locks. The insurance pays for it and we are usually in and out of there in a few hours. Am I thankful her jaw is having issues, no. Do I understand it, no. But I am thankful to have the means to fix it. I am thankful for the caring Ambulance company that I use most of the time because they know us. Yes, it is sad they know us...but they care about us.

Third, I am thankful that I am able to be there for my mom. It is exhausting and I ache deeply all the time for her. But I can be there to make decisions on her behalf that she is not able to make anymore. Most people just drop their loved ones off and don't really care. Some have to work to provide for their family. I am thankful for a hardworking and understand husband, that allows me to take care of my mom.

Most of all, I am thankful that this is not the end. I am thankful that my mom made that decision many years ago to accept Christ as her savior. One day, she will be whole again. Oh, how I wish it was on this side of Heaven. But I know that God is holding every lost thought, word and memory in His mighty hand. I know that He is holding every tear I have cried over her, in His hands. One day, all those will be restored. He holds her so close to Him and He holds me close, even when I don't feel Him. I know He is there. I know He cries with me. Could He take this all away? Yes. But this is the road He has chosen for us to walk. I am thankful He is walking this with me. I am thankful for the faith that I see this journey developing in me. See faith isn't developed in the good times and when life is going smoothly. Faith is developed when I can 't see the end, I can't see the reason for all of this, I keep praying for her jaw and it keeps getting locked. Faith is developed when I cry out to Him because my strength is gone and I have to go to the ER one more time. And so many other times through all of this. Oh, how I am thankful for my Faith!

I am thankful that one day this is verse and long for that day!

Revelation 21:4
And He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.

Hospice= help and comfort

The one thing that I have learned from all the time that I spend with my mom at the nursing home is that hospice doesn't always mean death. I used to think that. In most cases, people don't go on hospice until they are close to dying. For my mom and I it means help.

After an exhausting 2 weeks of ER trips every couple of days in March, I made the decision to put my mom on hospice. I knew by doing this it didn't mean she was dying soon. I knew that they could help us with her pain medicine and make changes to some of her other meds to see if we can keep her comfortable. With the late stage that my mom is in, you don't know if she is in pain and where that pain might be. It is a guessing game. You watch her facial expressions and her agitation. Those are the only signs we have. Can she be in pain and grinding her teeth, sure. Does she understand what she is doing, no. That means I need to do something to keep her comfortable.

I met with the hospice on the Monday that my father in law died. I sometimes wonder if all the trips to the ER was God trying to get my attention. Was He getting me to the point where I would accept Hospice, maybe. Was her jaw coming out because of the Botox, maybe. Did I need more help with her care, YES! That Monday she was signed up with hospice. They brought her a new bed, a new wheelchair and a new air mattress to help her be comfortable.

For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel alone in this. Yes, the staff at the nursing home is wonderful and I call many of them friends. But they have so many other residents that they are in charge of. They take excellent care of my mom and I am so grateful for all of them, but I needed more one on one help. That is where hospice comes in. The hospice nurse is wonderful. The social worker knows all about lock jaw because her ex husband had it. The chaplain sits with my mom and reads the Bible to her. The chaplain calls me to see how I am doing.

Everything hospice does for my mom is about making her comfortable. That is a huge blessing and praise for me. See I can't make her comfortable all the time. Yes, I think I can help when we are at the ER and I am talking to her. But I can't take the pain away. I can't change this for her. At least with hospice, they can help her with medicine. They can change any medicine at any time to make her comfortable. They visit her on days that I am not there and that brings me comfort.

It takes special people to be hospice workers. They are full of compassion and care so much for their patients and family members. I am so glad that I made the decision to get hospice care for my mom. I know she is in the late stages of this awful disease and I can't change that. But I can at least make sure she is comfortable and hopefully not in pain. God continues to bring amazing people into our path through this. I am grateful for them all.

Decisions

Today was one of those days when I hate having to be the one to make decisions for my mom. As the years go on with her Dementia and life throws some curve balls in the mix, there are times I don't want to make the decisions. There are times that I want to throw a tantrum and say I don't want to. It doesn't last long. I pull up my big girl pants and press on.

I am glad that I can make decisions for her. Most people their family just drops them off and is not apart of their care. That leaves it up to the staff. They are great staff and I know they don't take making decisions for people lightly. The staff will talk to me as I am making decisions. The doctors will talk to me. But in the end, it is up to me.

I know I have some of the same questions that parents do when deciding things for their children. Is what I am saying yes to going to harm them? What if I am make the wrong decision? I don't want to do anything to hurt her. I want her to be as comfortable as we can make her and give her quality of life for as long as we can.

Never did I think that at my age would I have to make decisions about her Advanced Directives and Advanced Care. Luckily, the doctor that went over it with me was very caring and compassionate. It is not a subject that is easy to talk about and the decisions are even harder.

Many people say how lucky she is to have me. But I am blessed to have her as my mom. She was a wonderful mom and woman when I was growing up. She taught me so much. She was there when I made the most important decision at the age of 7. She was there to talk to me about Jesus and she was there when I decided to accept Him as my Savior. I couldn't imagine going through all this without Him. I get to pray to Him about all the decisions for her. And if I love her as much as I do and I don't want to cause harm, I can't imagine how much  more He loves her.

Do I understand why this has happened to us? No. Do I get angry about it? Yes. But I know that God is already where my decisions are going to need to be made. He already knows the outcome. I just have to decide to trust Him 100% and that He has my mom in His hands.

Christmas 2012

She didn't respond much today. I brought the dogs and Blake with me, she didn't respond much to them either. She was sleepy and mostly rested in her chair. The days leading up to Christmas had my stomach in knots. This year has been a challenge with her jaw. For whatever reason, her jaw has decided to lock this year, three times with three trips to the ER. I would say many silent prayers asking God to please keep her jaw in place over Christmas. I didn't want to go to the ER. I cringe when my phone rings and I see it's the nursing home. I freak out thinking what is wrong. They usually only call when something has happened. I am there 3 times a week.

The trips to the ER bring many tears for me. Tears for her and what she is going through. How scared she must be because she probably doesn't understand why her jaw is locked open and she can't ask for help or talk very well. She is taken to a hospital where the people are different and she doesn't recognize them. I go every time because I can't leave her there alone. I can't expect the ER staff to make the right decision for her and on her behalf. That is my responsibility.

Tears fall for the person she is now and the person I miss so deeply, especially as the Christmas season comes around. I miss her and doing the things we used to do. We used to watch Little Women and I can't watch that movie now. Tears fall at Church service because she always did love hearing the kids sing. Tears fall because I can't bring her to service with me. She loved the Christmas music. Tears fall because I know God loves her so much more then I do and I pray He is singing over her. I pray He is closer to her now more then ever before. I pray that she sees Him or an angel. I pray He comforts her in a way that I can't.

I never know what the next year will bring as each year comes to an end. It is hard to believe we will be going into our 10th year on this Dementia journey. People tell me that my mom can last for 10+ more years and I think please God don't let that be. She is in a wheelchair and can no longer do much of anything for herself. No one deserves to live a long time like this. She should be healed and whole in Heaven with her loved ones who have passed already. But then, I think...no, I want to keep her here. I want to be able to see her. If I can't see her, I feel like I will lose me.

She was here for this Christmas. Merry Christmas, my sweet mom. I love you and miss you so very much.